Dani-isms For Today

1.  Walmart really has become the one stop shop, you can get a haircut, manicure, rent a car, buy a house, take out a loan, plan a vacation, try on the latest fashion, go grocery shopping, buy furniture, electronics and get a papsmear (seriously my Walmart has a clinic) all under the same roof!  The only thing that's missing is renting a room for the night........hmmm maybe I'm onto something here.

2. Is it really necessary for celebrities that go on these late night talk shows to inevitably take a sip of whatever's in that huge ass coffee mug sitting on the table next to them?  Is it coffee?  Is it water?  Perhaps vodka? Well maybe if you're a guest on Chelsea Lately but really is it a prerequisite to be a guest on the show, I mean do they sign a contract saying thou must partake in the sipping of the giant coffee mug???

3.  Why do my children only seem to act out in public, do they want to see mommy go to jail?

4.  Why is it that nobody wants to talk to me in my house until I get on the phone and then everybody wants a piece of the mommy?  Where's my superman shirt?  Babe, where's my lighter?  Momma have you seen my race car?

5.  Why am I the only one that has ever gotten pissed on, pooped on, puked on and drooled on by my children?  Am I just a magnet for disgusting liquids such as these?  Where is your father?

6.  How come my mother inlaw always returns my one year old with poop in his pants and a pound of pee?

7.  Why am I the only one in the house that seems to know how to change the toilet paper roll?

8.  Why is it that I've lived in the same house for the last three years and still always miss my turn into my subdivision?

9.  Whoever invented the Ped Egg needs to be shot...........twice.

10. Why is it that no matter what, I always end up picking the shopping cart with the messed up wheels ?

Outta Shape and Sore From an F'ing Video Game!

OMG, what the hell?  I eat very healthy and am not remotely heavy but at the same time completely out of shape.  Either that or 40 is just too old to play video games.  My husband just came home with Kinect for the X-Box 360 and we played the sports video game.  We bowled, played volley ball and ran.  I felt nothing while playing but this morning woke up with a sore stomach, legs and hip joints.  What the hell am I 80?  You should get a doctors note prior to being able to play that shit or there should be an explicit warning at the beginning of each sports game that goes something like this:

If you are 40 or older and completely out of shape, expect heavy panting, sweating between your boobs and inner thighs (for dudes you can expect heavy ball sweat), sore joints that you haven't used since high school, dizziness, sore arms from those flabby bat wings flying around that you refuse to tone up even though you bought that shake weight thing that is now a permanent fixture atop your dryer in the laundry room, sore thighs (although that could be from the wild sex you had last night) and sore stomach muscles because you refuse to do sit ups.

Please do not eat prior to engaging in game play as you may become nauseous and accidentally vomit on your husband who is standing next to you trying to kick your ass at volleyball and for the love of God and Baby Jesus pleeeeease don't think you can jump around during game play without a bra, it's just not a good look for you and will just add to the baggage and saggage you've already got going on.  Thank you, over and out.

You Know You're Getting Old When............

1.  Your ass can no longer remember to stay up

2.  The skin on your arms looks like crepe paper, (when the F did that happen? Probably when the estrogen in your body started to say buh-bye)

3.  Music, any music that is playing is TOO LOUD

4.  You don't even have patience for the time it takes to nuke a hot pocket

5.  You think Chivalry and love is all crap.

6.  When seeing a young couple "in love" makes you want to vomit

7.  You start calling people in their mid 20's "kids"

8.  When you decide yea, let's go out for a drink and you look around and realize you're old enough to be everyone's mother.

9.  When you have no idea what song is playing on the radio.

10. When you have no idea how to even work the radio.

Dani-isms For Today

1.  Why do people act like they're hot shit while they're talking on their mobile phones in public?

2.  Why do men seem to get an attitude when they're chewing gum?  They should call gum "Stick O' Asshole" at least when it comes to men's gum.

3.  Why are my clothes the only ones that get F'd up in the wash and nobody elses?  Got a pen in your pants?  The ink will find it's way to my $50 jeans, not yours.

4.  Why do some people feel the need to break out in song no matter WHERE they are, I mean do they actually think Simon Cowell is lurking behind the paper towels in aisle two at Wal-mart and will miraculously sign them?

5.  How come when somebody does something really stupid and/or embarrassing on television "I" get embarrassed for them?  I mean I don't know this dumb ass why should I care?

6.  Why is it when your cable network decides to F up it's always during the season finale of your favorite show and during the last two minutes?

7.  Whoever said getting even wasn't the right thing to do just never succeeded at doing so.

8.  Go ahead, cut me off in traffic, I'm on my period and my husband just bought me this new, shiny glock.

9.  Is there a reason women shave off their eyebrows only to to draw them back on.........in the wrong place?

10. Is it necessary to take 24 hours to answer a text message, I mean really are you that busy?

I Love Sunday Mornings.......Well, Maybe

Aaaaah there's nothing like sleeping in on a Sunday morning (ha, yea right, if you have no kids) I woke up this morning, the crack ass of dawn, as usual, with the sound of mama, mama. I slowly cracked one eyelid open and there, less than a 1/4 inch from my face with a bad case of morning breath, was Hell boy.

"Go awaaaaaaaaay", I said. He just kept up with the mama mama's until I literally rolled out of bed onto the floor. I had just been up with Giggle toots three hours prior for a feeding.

I come from a loud Italian family, so it's no wonder Hell boy inherited my loud mouth, so of course he woke up Giggle toots with his mama mama's. Someone make it stop! Is there no rest for the weary? I'm 40, I should be sleeping in at least until noon, then getting up drinking a smoothie in peace wondering what my children are doing a whole city away from me. Instead, I'm being woken up by a 2 year old, a 7 month old and wondering if my 21 year old ever put his laundry in the dryer from last night.

Two diaper changes later, I make my way to the breakfast room and find a lovely work of art from Hell boy..........on my wall. Today is going to be a blasty blast, I tell ya.

Moronic Parking Lot People

I love going to my local health food store, but unfortunately the parking there blows ass on a bean burrito diet.  At certain times of the day you can bet that you'll be going in circles for several minutes in search of somewhere to park.  I had four cars ahead of me circling the parking lot for like 10 minutes the other day, it was like we were vultures out there I tell you.  Oh no, could it be?  There in  the distance two guys walking to their cars, yessssss, almost there..... it was getting intense like musical chairs but with parking spaces, round and round we all went, waiting for that break.  When suddenly the lady ahead of me just stops dead and turns on her blinker as if to say hey bitch this one's mine as soon as he backs his ass outta here.  Well, there she sat and so did I as I couldn't pass her on the other side.  Another 2, then 3, then 5 minutes pass, the guy wasn't backing out, instead he decided to have a conversation with the other guy getting ready to leave right there in the parking lot.  Yup just chit chatting about God knows what.......their jock itch? The latest ho they bagged last night?  That odd mole just to the left of their scrotum?   Could they have been more rude?  Hellooooo??? Did they not see the parade of cars circling waiting on their dumb asses so we might be able to shop at some point in the next oh, I don't know century?

Apparently these morons didn't get the memo and kept talking and the woman ahead of me had enough and took off.  I luckily spotted another guy leaving (note to self:  Why are there so many dudes at the health food store?) and slid into his spot.  I parked and walked past these two chatty Kathy's who were STILL bullshitting outside of their cars, I couldn't help myself, I just had to say something.  Without a thought, as I strolled by, I flipped them off and said nice day we're having eh?

The Tale of the Stinky Bathroom

Once upon a time I did some work for Christian Dior and was at a department store for an event and had to use the bathroom.  Of course it was a busy Saturday so there was a bit of a line to the bathroom.  I hate bathroom lines because you don't get a choice as to what stall you get to go in ya know what I'm sayin'?  Like I like to stroll down the line of stalls and peek in each one and have a look around, almost like you would when looking at a house to buy, I mean you want to make sure there's a.) enough room b.) clean c.) has all the amenities (this includes toilet paper and if you're lucky, a nice seat to sit your booty down on).  But, no, not when there's a line, hell no, you get whatever is next, the whole time you're in line you're hoping for the best, maybe even a little prayer ensues in your mind like:

"Dear God, it's me Dani, I know we haven't talked in like a week, but man I need your help right now, see I have to pee like real bad and I don't have a choice as to what stall I get. It's like one of those mystery gifts we used to give in elementary school during Christmas.  So if you could intercede here and make sure I get a real spiffy stall that'd be great!"  Aaaaaaaamen!!!

Well on this day I forget the almighty potty prayer and I was up next, I could feel sweat start to trickle down my forehead, oh no, here it comes I'm next, I heard the potty flush in the third stall down.  I closed my eyes I didn't want to see who walked out, what if she was nasty, what if she "looked" like she didn't wash down there........I didn't want to know.  So, after I closed my eyes for a second or two I smiled and walked to the stall, closed the door, when all of a sudden a whiff of something disgusting and almost memorable flew up my nose.  What the hell, I thought did a zoo just come through here?  Seriously, the stall smelled so disgusting I thought I may puke a alittle bit in my mouth.  It smelled just like a F'ing zoo, you know how a zoo smells.....yea like that!!!  What the hell was inside the last chicks panties that was just in here?  Hell, what was up her va-jay-jay ?  Two sweaty monkeys?  I hurried the best I could before I puked, flushed with my foot and ran out holding my breath.  Then I realized shit, the next person to go in here is gonna think I did the monkey thang.........maaaaaaan don't you hate that?  When you've exited an already stinky ass stall and the next person thinks you did it?  There's no escape I tell you no escape!!

So because I was going to be working in the store the remainder of the afternoon, I made a statement in the bathroom, if there was a podium in there, trust me, I would have used it.  I said oooooooh maan that stall stinks I don't know what happened in there but IT WAS NOT ME!!!  I'm serious it wasn't me!!

Don't let this happen to you, carry a secret weapon for when you encounter somebody else's own personal zoo, make sure you always carry a miniature bottle of febreze in your purse!!!  It could save a nose or some serious embarrassment that shouldn't be yours to deal with.

Dani-isms on Fitness

Why do we have to exercise to look good, why can't they invent some sort of pill we can take to get a firmer ass?

Why when using the shake weight does it look like you're playing with a penis?

Why do they make a shake weight for men? (see above)

Why did I order a shake weight? hmmm

How come when you buy a stair stepper it always ends up being a clothes rack?  (an expensive clothes rack)

What's up with these shape up shoes, they're uglier than F....wear these and nobody's looking at your fat ass anymore they're looking at how ugly your damn shoes are.

Has anyone ever farted in yoga class?

How come I can never clear my mind doing yoga, I've always got weird stuff on the brain, like:  did I lock my car door?  What am I going to make for dinner?  Does my ass look big in this pose?  The chick next to be smells like dirty feet.  Why does the teacher keep looking at me weird?  This mat smells funny..........

Will they ever make a bicycle seat that doesn't ride up my va-jay-jay?

I hate it when I jog how stuff jiggles, it just reminds me of more body parts I need to firm up.

"See random Dani-isms at the bottom of this page"

Super Hero Nugget

Hell boy pretending to be some weird Mr. Fix It super hero, although I think he looks more like Tweety Bird on crack

Super villian or super cold............ummm where'd his mouth go?

Super rock star that doesn't seem to know where his ears are....................

You probably notice that in all these pics Hell boy is half "neked", the boy never wears clothes at home, he HATES clothes.  He'll only wear them without a problem if we go somewhere and then occasionally will try to take his shirt off in public.  My 16 year old girl was like that too, except she liked being completely naked.  This must run in the ol' genes because my mother told me when I was like 2 or 3 I stripped down to nothing and ran down the street.  Good times, gooooooood times.

I Once...........

I once:

Called Mickey D's super late at night and left a message on their answering machine that went like this:  Yea, can I speak to Ron?  Ya know Ronald McDonald, the guy with the big red floppy shoes?  Umm and if he's not in I'd like to talk to the big fat purple dude and tell him how great the burgers are or maybe hamburgler, my number is ....ok thanks bye!  Sadly Ron never called me back, I never ate at Mickey D's again, the bastard!!

Called Wendy's and asked some questions about cheese, the kid that answered the phone couldn't have been more than 16.  I asked that if I got a triple burger would it include three pieces of cheese or only two and what the difference was between cheddar and swiss cheese.  I continued to explain that I was lactose intolerant and that my boyfriend hates it because when I eat cheese I fart a lot and then I asked him if he would date a girl that farted a lot, and he said without missing a beat, sure, yea I would.......

Caught one of my best friends outside my boyfriends house back in high school at like midnight, it was clear he was banging her behind my back.  So me and another friend did some late night grocery shopping and grabbed some eggs and toilet paper, then stopped by Burger King and grabbed a shit load of ketchup packets and totally F'ed up her car with it all.  Funny thing though, we did it drive by style in my car several times without getting out and the last drive by my friend almost fell completely out of the window when I gunned it and accidently grabbed onto the antenna of the skanky ho's car and broke it clean off!!  Even funnier, the bitch called me the next day and told me all about her car getting f'ed up, it was hard to not laugh.

Stole a shit load of hall passes from my teachers desk and then charged 25 cents per pass for fellow students to use them to wander the halls without getting in trouble.

Used to write doctors excuses and it's okay to ride so and so's bus notes  that were supposed to be written by parents for my friends, I had the coolest handwriting in the 6th grade.

On many occasions, actually would borrow money everyday from this big fat kid for lunch.  I'd get a burrito from the ala carte line.  If I added up the whole year I think I would have owed him like $80, shit I hope I never run into him ever again, if he added interest all these years the dude would be a millionaire, however with a name like "BJ" he wasn't goin' far anyways.

It's a Fat, Lazy Day

Maaaaaan I don't wanna do shit today, I feel lazy as hell.  I hate these kind of days because that's when hell boy wants a three course breakfast, the dishes in the dishwasher need to be put away, a pile of laundry is staring me in the face and I really need to get around to shaving my legs.

To make matters worse, I have nadda to watch on TV tonight. America's Got Talent is over now :( so there's nothing to look forward to on Tuesdays and Wednesdays now and it appears the fall television lineup is the "yuge"  cop shows wtf?  If you've seen one cop show, you've seen seen them all it's a snooze fest I tell you!!

Oh well, I've got some yummy fruit salad in the fridge to look forward to, I think I'll get on that later.

Friends Chop Phooey

Don't get me wrong, I like to chill with friends (the few I have) sometimes, but since having my last two babies I've become somewhat of a home body and enjoy hanging with just my husband and kids. I'm so used to not hanging with friends that when we do, I get annoyed. Here's a good analogy:

When it comes to hanging with other couples I'm like a cat, ya know how a cat is when they want to be loved on they will jump up on your lap but when they're done, they're done....they jump off and want to be left alone.

Like we can invite a couple to go boating with us and tube and ski, for like, oh I don't know 4-5 hours or so, but after that, I'm done, go home, take your kids, your cooler and go home. Again, the cat analogy, when I'm done, I'm done. Have I become such a loner/home body that the general public just F'in get on my nerves or have I become so brain dead from hangin' with a 2 year old and 6 month old 24/7, that anything, or anyone, older confuses my brain that has now become oatmeal?

Who the hell knows, like Mike Myers said as the cat in the Cat in the Hat movie, "ride alone, die alone." Hmmm another cat reference, coincidence? Dunno, maybe.........over and out.

What the F?

How in the hell is it that this guy doesn't scare the Ba-Geezus out of small children?  Was the person that developed Yo-Gabba-Gabba high?  I mean have you tried to watch this show?  Ok, if you have and it freaks the crap out of you, imagine what would happen if you were watching it completely baked?

Can somebeody please tell me what happened to this banana I was gong to put in my green drink this morning?  I mean it looks like somebody had mistaken it for a cigarette and tried to light the end of it WTF?

Okay so I've been entering the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes forever!  However, over the years they've gotten pretty damn sneaky at trying to coerce you into buying things without you realizing it.  Case in point, look at the picture.... this what my counter looked like after I was forced, I tell you forced to go through the buy this cheap great shit now booklets, only to try and find the "stamp" to place on my "official" entry form.  Yea they literally hide the stamp you need amongst the other stamps to order crap.  Pretty sneaky huh?  It's like playing a Where's Waldo game but the adult gambling version.   I had to go through like four of those damn brochure thingies before I finally found the special stamp I needed.  Only to have to tear it out from the perforation and lick the back of it, which tasted like ass by the way**, and then place it over the box template on the entry form I needed to send back.

You would think by now they would come up with a more updated way to "enter" instead of searching, licking and sticking I mean that was so 80's.  Why do I waste postage stamps on this crap?  Why do I bother to enter, knowing I won't win?  Why do the commercials where they walk up to the winners front door and let them know they've won and hand them a giant ass check bring a tear to my eye EVERY TIME? I mean I know what's coming next, hell it's no surprise!  Why are those checks so damn big, I mean what bank would deposit such a monstrosity?  The Bank of Goliath?  Why are the winners always, always older than dirt?  Is it that they purposely choose old people knowing they're going to die soon and won't ever have to pay them the full amount?  Why is it I just can't seem to throw one of these sweepstakes entries in the trash?  Is it because I'll always wonder ........what if? Perhaps, but then again,  with all the time combined over the last few years I've spent looking for that special stamp amidst oodles of shit products I could have baked a cake, spent more time with my kids.......hmmm probably not.

**I don't actually know what ass tastes like, I can only imagine and either way, it can't possibly be good.

Lawnmowers MUST DIE

Alright so I didn't get to bed until 2:30 this morning, because the 2 year old took a power nap from 7p-9p and wouldn't remotely go to bed until 2am.  Of course the 5 month old had to follow suit, although every time giggle toots tries to go to sleep (I call the 5 month old that because all he does is laugh and fart) the 2 year old screams in his face or is louder than hell and wakes him anyways.  So finally everyone's in bed, including myself by 2:30am.

Then I'm awoken by a horrendous noise as if an airplane was landing on my house, what the F??? The damn neighbor's yard crew is out there mowing and weed whacking at friggin' 8am. Which of course woke up giggle toots. I wanted to jump out of bed in my mismatched bedroom attire and go kick somebody's ass!!  Is there no respect for mother's who get no sleep because they are up with a baby during the night? Can the dude next door not mow his own damn yard?  Why the F are lawnmower's so loud, I mean dishwashers are "quiet" now why can't they make "quiet" lawnmowers?  The asshole was so close to my bedroom window, I probably could have opened it, leaned out and choked him out.  Finally when they made it to the other side of the dude's yard, no doubt now pissing off the other neighbor I was able to get myself and giggle toots to half way go to sleep when.............dunt dunt duuuuuuuuuh who I do I hear coming down the stairs yelling "ding" "ding" the two year old, aka "hell boy" he's a hot mess let me tell you.

Of course Ding means Superman (what you didn't know that?) he says batman, ironman etc. but refuses to say superman, how he came up with Ding who knows.  So I get him comfortable watching Wonder Pets (this has to be the gayest show ever) he loves it.  Then I take a visit to the downstairs tinkle room where I end up sitting in the 21 year olds pee, apparently he was too lazy to lift the seat the last time he took a piss and got some on the seat only to greet my happy ass this morning.  Oddly, the 16 year old girl always dribbles on the toilet seat too, is this some sort of genetic mutation that runs in my family?  Are my kids trying to piss me off?  Why is the 21 year old boy still in my house?

So here I am on Friday morning with dark circles under my eyes, piss on my left ass cheek and a 2 year old screaming pancakes! pancakes!  It's going to be a wonderful day....................

Introductions? Well they just .... Suck

Why is it when one introduces themselves it's so awkward?  Hi, my name is blah, I like blah and oh I have this great blah.  Yadda, yadda, yadda.  Putting all that useless crap aside, I'd like to say that I hope you will find my blogs useful, if for anything to make you laugh, even if it's a small chuckle.

I'll be dishing on makeup tips, tricks, reviews as well as just random thoughts I like to call "dani-isms" so this blog will be a hodge podge of both useful and useless things but always with a side order of humor!  I write this now holding my 5 month old whilst he drools down my arm, (I never realized just how hard it is to type with one hand, this sucks).  Of course while this is going on my 2 year old keeps randomly walking up to me demanding snacks, which of course I get for him only to say he doesn't want them anymore, geez then I wonder where all my time goes.  At least all this fetching may get my ass back up there where it used to be when I was 20 something.  I've always said I want an ass so perky I could set a beer on it.  Of course these days, it's green drinks and water.

Yes, I am a health food nut married to a southern fried guy so ultimately I have to make two dinners one for him and one for me.  My grocery bill is retarded I'm telling you, I spend $250 at Wal-Fart and then another $100 at the health food store.   Eating right does help with your skin and keeps you younger looking.  In later blogs I'll share with you some amazing things you can do and eat to keep you looking your best!

I welcome any all questions regarding makeup, beauty, natural health or anything you want to ask.

Well, I'm off as it seems my 2 year old is imitating Disney's "Kick Buttowski" and attempting a dare devil act............diving off the back of the couch, the joys of parenthood.