Once upon a time I did some work for Christian Dior and was at a department store for an event and had to use the bathroom. Of course it was a busy Saturday so there was a bit of a line to the bathroom. I hate bathroom lines because you don't get a choice as to what stall you get to go in ya know what I'm sayin'? Like I like to stroll down the line of stalls and peek in each one and have a look around, almost like you would when looking at a house to buy, I mean you want to make sure there's a.) enough room b.) clean c.) has all the amenities (this includes toilet paper and if you're lucky, a nice seat to sit your booty down on). But, no, not when there's a line, hell no, you get whatever is next, the whole time you're in line you're hoping for the best, maybe even a little prayer ensues in your mind like:
"Dear God, it's me Dani, I know we haven't talked in like a week, but man I need your help right now, see I have to pee like real bad and I don't have a choice as to what stall I get. It's like one of those mystery gifts we used to give in elementary school during Christmas. So if you could intercede here and make sure I get a real spiffy stall that'd be great!" Aaaaaaaamen!!!
Well on this day I forget the almighty potty prayer and I was up next, I could feel sweat start to trickle down my forehead, oh no, here it comes I'm next, I heard the potty flush in the third stall down. I closed my eyes I didn't want to see who walked out, what if she was nasty, what if she "looked" like she didn't wash down there........I didn't want to know. So, after I closed my eyes for a second or two I smiled and walked to the stall, closed the door, when all of a sudden a whiff of something disgusting and almost memorable flew up my nose. What the hell, I thought did a zoo just come through here? Seriously, the stall smelled so disgusting I thought I may puke a alittle bit in my mouth. It smelled just like a F'ing zoo, you know how a zoo smells.....yea like that!!! What the hell was inside the last chicks panties that was just in here? Hell, what was up her va-jay-jay ? Two sweaty monkeys? I hurried the best I could before I puked, flushed with my foot and ran out holding my breath. Then I realized shit, the next person to go in here is gonna think I did the monkey thang.........maaaaaaan don't you hate that? When you've exited an already stinky ass stall and the next person thinks you did it? There's no escape I tell you no escape!!
So because I was going to be working in the store the remainder of the afternoon, I made a statement in the bathroom, if there was a podium in there, trust me, I would have used it. I said oooooooh maan that stall stinks I don't know what happened in there but IT WAS NOT ME!!! I'm serious it wasn't me!!
Don't let this happen to you, carry a secret weapon for when you encounter somebody else's own personal zoo, make sure you always carry a miniature bottle of febreze in your purse!!! It could save a nose or some serious embarrassment that shouldn't be yours to deal with.
Dani Page
Dani Page
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Can You Dye Your Pubic Hair?
Why yes, yes you can! Question is do you want to? Why yes, yes you should. What better way to spruce up the ol' pubes than making them a crazy ass color. Imagine the surprise when hubby comes home and later finds out that you're sporting purple or pink hair down there? Just think of the look on his face especially if you don't tell him before he goes down there. Hopefully he won't think you have some sort of funk going on though, that would suck. Now all they need is like a scratch and sniff patch to put down there that would either be 1.) hilarious or 2.) much needed for chicks that don't smell so fressssssssssh.
Where to find some cool dye for your pubes: Betty Beauty
Where to find some cool dye for your pubes: Betty Beauty
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Dani-isms on Fitness
Why do we have to exercise to look good, why can't they invent some sort of pill we can take to get a firmer ass?
Why when using the shake weight does it look like you're playing with a penis?
Why do they make a shake weight for men? (see above)
Why did I order a shake weight? hmmm
How come when you buy a stair stepper it always ends up being a clothes rack? (an expensive clothes rack)
What's up with these shape up shoes, they're uglier than F....wear these and nobody's looking at your fat ass anymore they're looking at how ugly your damn shoes are.
Has anyone ever farted in yoga class?
How come I can never clear my mind doing yoga, I've always got weird stuff on the brain, like: did I lock my car door? What am I going to make for dinner? Does my ass look big in this pose? The chick next to be smells like dirty feet. Why does the teacher keep looking at me weird? This mat smells funny..........
Will they ever make a bicycle seat that doesn't ride up my va-jay-jay?
I hate it when I jog how stuff jiggles, it just reminds me of more body parts I need to firm up.
"See random Dani-isms at the bottom of this page"
Why when using the shake weight does it look like you're playing with a penis?
Why do they make a shake weight for men? (see above)
Why did I order a shake weight? hmmm
How come when you buy a stair stepper it always ends up being a clothes rack? (an expensive clothes rack)
What's up with these shape up shoes, they're uglier than F....wear these and nobody's looking at your fat ass anymore they're looking at how ugly your damn shoes are.
Has anyone ever farted in yoga class?
How come I can never clear my mind doing yoga, I've always got weird stuff on the brain, like: did I lock my car door? What am I going to make for dinner? Does my ass look big in this pose? The chick next to be smells like dirty feet. Why does the teacher keep looking at me weird? This mat smells funny..........
Will they ever make a bicycle seat that doesn't ride up my va-jay-jay?
I hate it when I jog how stuff jiggles, it just reminds me of more body parts I need to firm up.
"See random Dani-isms at the bottom of this page"
Monday, September 27, 2010
Super Hero Nugget
You probably notice that in all these pics Hell boy is half "neked", the boy never wears clothes at home, he HATES clothes. He'll only wear them without a problem if we go somewhere and then occasionally will try to take his shirt off in public. My 16 year old girl was like that too, except she liked being completely naked. This must run in the ol' genes because my mother told me when I was like 2 or 3 I stripped down to nothing and ran down the street. Good times, gooooooood times.
Numbers You Need To Know When Grocery Shopping
I recently read an interesting article about how to know if you're buying fresh fruits and vegetables that were grown either organic, conventionally (with pesticides) or genetically manufactured (these are bad, stay away from these). You just need to look on the stickers they put on the fruit or vegetable:
5-digit number starting with 9 means organically grown
4-digit number starting with 3 or 4 means conventionally grown
5-digit number starting with 8 means genetically modified
4-digit number starting with 3 or 4 means conventionally grown
5-digit number starting with 8 means genetically modified
I thought this was very interesting and have definitely started using this information when shopping for fresh produce!!
GMO products are bad and could be lethal to people who have food allergies, because the food you are buying could have genes that have been spliced from the food you're allergic to or worse yet, some other "unknown" species.
Friday, September 24, 2010
I Once...........
I once:
Called Mickey D's super late at night and left a message on their answering machine that went like this: Yea, can I speak to Ron? Ya know Ronald McDonald, the guy with the big red floppy shoes? Umm and if he's not in I'd like to talk to the big fat purple dude and tell him how great the burgers are or maybe hamburgler, my number is ....ok thanks bye! Sadly Ron never called me back, I never ate at Mickey D's again, the bastard!!
Called Wendy's and asked some questions about cheese, the kid that answered the phone couldn't have been more than 16. I asked that if I got a triple burger would it include three pieces of cheese or only two and what the difference was between cheddar and swiss cheese. I continued to explain that I was lactose intolerant and that my boyfriend hates it because when I eat cheese I fart a lot and then I asked him if he would date a girl that farted a lot, and he said without missing a beat, sure, yea I would.......
Caught one of my best friends outside my boyfriends house back in high school at like midnight, it was clear he was banging her behind my back. So me and another friend did some late night grocery shopping and grabbed some eggs and toilet paper, then stopped by Burger King and grabbed a shit load of ketchup packets and totally F'ed up her car with it all. Funny thing though, we did it drive by style in my car several times without getting out and the last drive by my friend almost fell completely out of the window when I gunned it and accidently grabbed onto the antenna of the skanky ho's car and broke it clean off!! Even funnier, the bitch called me the next day and told me all about her car getting f'ed up, it was hard to not laugh.
Stole a shit load of hall passes from my teachers desk and then charged 25 cents per pass for fellow students to use them to wander the halls without getting in trouble.
Used to write doctors excuses and it's okay to ride so and so's bus notes that were supposed to be written by parents for my friends, I had the coolest handwriting in the 6th grade.
On many occasions, actually would borrow money everyday from this big fat kid for lunch. I'd get a burrito from the ala carte line. If I added up the whole year I think I would have owed him like $80, shit I hope I never run into him ever again, if he added interest all these years the dude would be a millionaire, however with a name like "BJ" he wasn't goin' far anyways.
Called Mickey D's super late at night and left a message on their answering machine that went like this: Yea, can I speak to Ron? Ya know Ronald McDonald, the guy with the big red floppy shoes? Umm and if he's not in I'd like to talk to the big fat purple dude and tell him how great the burgers are or maybe hamburgler, my number is ....ok thanks bye! Sadly Ron never called me back, I never ate at Mickey D's again, the bastard!!
Called Wendy's and asked some questions about cheese, the kid that answered the phone couldn't have been more than 16. I asked that if I got a triple burger would it include three pieces of cheese or only two and what the difference was between cheddar and swiss cheese. I continued to explain that I was lactose intolerant and that my boyfriend hates it because when I eat cheese I fart a lot and then I asked him if he would date a girl that farted a lot, and he said without missing a beat, sure, yea I would.......
Caught one of my best friends outside my boyfriends house back in high school at like midnight, it was clear he was banging her behind my back. So me and another friend did some late night grocery shopping and grabbed some eggs and toilet paper, then stopped by Burger King and grabbed a shit load of ketchup packets and totally F'ed up her car with it all. Funny thing though, we did it drive by style in my car several times without getting out and the last drive by my friend almost fell completely out of the window when I gunned it and accidently grabbed onto the antenna of the skanky ho's car and broke it clean off!! Even funnier, the bitch called me the next day and told me all about her car getting f'ed up, it was hard to not laugh.
Stole a shit load of hall passes from my teachers desk and then charged 25 cents per pass for fellow students to use them to wander the halls without getting in trouble.
Used to write doctors excuses and it's okay to ride so and so's bus notes that were supposed to be written by parents for my friends, I had the coolest handwriting in the 6th grade.
On many occasions, actually would borrow money everyday from this big fat kid for lunch. I'd get a burrito from the ala carte line. If I added up the whole year I think I would have owed him like $80, shit I hope I never run into him ever again, if he added interest all these years the dude would be a millionaire, however with a name like "BJ" he wasn't goin' far anyways.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Weird Stuff to Help You Look Gorgeous
What does Scotch tape, a sewing needle, a micro-fiber cloth, business card and a toothpick have in common? Why they can help you look gorgeous duuuuh!! There's stuff lying around your house right now that you can use in your beauty routine, one you'll even find in your husband's man cave!
Scotch tape: Like that winged eyeshadow look but can't seem to get it to look right? Just take a piece of Scotch tape and stick it near your eye slanted upwards from the outside corner. Then apply your eyeshadow like a kindergartner if you want and after you remove the tape you'll have a perfect, clean, winged eyeshadow application! Just remember to remove the tape before you leave the house you don't want to look like a weirdo!!!
Sewing needle: Your eyelashes stuck together? This sucks especially once the mascara has already dried, however if you take a sewing needle and slide the tip in between the two lashes that are stuck it will nicely separate them with ease. Just don't do this drunk, because you may end up poking your eye out instead! Something tells me though, if you're drunk, you probably wouldn't notice they're stuck together in the first place and your priority would be to ensure you have clothes on when you left the house not separated lashes..........moving on.
Micro-fiber cloth: You can kill two birds with one stone on this one, get great looking skin while pissing off your husband at the same time! That's right that micro-fiber cloth he uses for his car works wonders on your face! Of course a clean, never been used cloth is what we're aiming for here. My husband usually buys his in packs. The micro-fiber cloth is great at pulling the dirt and grime out of your pores and exfoliating your skin at the same time, leaving it baby soft. Awesome addition to your normal skin care routine and el cheapo!!!
Business card: You can use this to help you get a clean line with your eyeliner when trying to achieve a winged look, it can also double for applying winged eyeshadow (in case your not into the whole tape "thang"). As posted in an earlier blog, it can help with mistake proof mascara applications by placing it behind your upper and lower lashes when you're applying it.
Toothpick: If you like to sport false lashes, and who doesn't sometimes? It's always fun to hooker it up for a night even if you're just hanging at the house, especially if you want some get'um get'um. Just put eyelash glue on the toothpick and in a rolling motion, apply it onto the eyelash band. Simple, quick and clean.
Scotch tape: Like that winged eyeshadow look but can't seem to get it to look right? Just take a piece of Scotch tape and stick it near your eye slanted upwards from the outside corner. Then apply your eyeshadow like a kindergartner if you want and after you remove the tape you'll have a perfect, clean, winged eyeshadow application! Just remember to remove the tape before you leave the house you don't want to look like a weirdo!!!
Sewing needle: Your eyelashes stuck together? This sucks especially once the mascara has already dried, however if you take a sewing needle and slide the tip in between the two lashes that are stuck it will nicely separate them with ease. Just don't do this drunk, because you may end up poking your eye out instead! Something tells me though, if you're drunk, you probably wouldn't notice they're stuck together in the first place and your priority would be to ensure you have clothes on when you left the house not separated lashes..........moving on.
Micro-fiber cloth: You can kill two birds with one stone on this one, get great looking skin while pissing off your husband at the same time! That's right that micro-fiber cloth he uses for his car works wonders on your face! Of course a clean, never been used cloth is what we're aiming for here. My husband usually buys his in packs. The micro-fiber cloth is great at pulling the dirt and grime out of your pores and exfoliating your skin at the same time, leaving it baby soft. Awesome addition to your normal skin care routine and el cheapo!!!
Business card: You can use this to help you get a clean line with your eyeliner when trying to achieve a winged look, it can also double for applying winged eyeshadow (in case your not into the whole tape "thang"). As posted in an earlier blog, it can help with mistake proof mascara applications by placing it behind your upper and lower lashes when you're applying it.
Toothpick: If you like to sport false lashes, and who doesn't sometimes? It's always fun to hooker it up for a night even if you're just hanging at the house, especially if you want some get'um get'um. Just put eyelash glue on the toothpick and in a rolling motion, apply it onto the eyelash band. Simple, quick and clean.
Easy Coconut Milk Whipped Cream Recipe
For those that can't eat dairy or really don't like the sound of the bacteria, pus, blood and mucous found in milk (true story look it up) but still want a delicious whipped cream recipe here it is baby!!!
2 Cans Thai Kitchen Coconut Milk (don't buy low fat, get full fat)
1 1/2 C. Powdered Sugar (organic if you can)
Chill your coconut milk cans in the fridge for 2 days upside down. Keeping the cans upside down pierce the bottom with two holes using a juice can opener, drain the coconut water into a bowl and save to drink or use in other recipes.
Pour the milk into another bowl and beat on medium for a few minutes then add your powdered sugar and beat on medium for another 2 minutes or so or until mixed well. You can add vanilla extract if you'd like. Add enough to your taste.
Serve immediately or you can store in fridge for up to 3 days. This makes a butt load so feel free to freeze the unused portion. Delicious in fruit salad!!!
2 Cans Thai Kitchen Coconut Milk (don't buy low fat, get full fat)
1 1/2 C. Powdered Sugar (organic if you can)
Chill your coconut milk cans in the fridge for 2 days upside down. Keeping the cans upside down pierce the bottom with two holes using a juice can opener, drain the coconut water into a bowl and save to drink or use in other recipes.
Pour the milk into another bowl and beat on medium for a few minutes then add your powdered sugar and beat on medium for another 2 minutes or so or until mixed well. You can add vanilla extract if you'd like. Add enough to your taste.
Serve immediately or you can store in fridge for up to 3 days. This makes a butt load so feel free to freeze the unused portion. Delicious in fruit salad!!!
It's a Fat, Lazy Day
To make matters worse, I have nadda to watch on TV tonight. America's Got Talent is over now :( so there's nothing to look forward to on Tuesdays and Wednesdays now and it appears the fall television lineup is the "yuge" cop shows wtf? If you've seen one cop show, you've seen seen them all it's a snooze fest I tell you!!
Oh well, I've got some yummy fruit salad in the fridge to look forward to, I think I'll get on that later.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Friends Chop Phooey
Don't get me wrong, I like to chill with friends (the few I have) sometimes, but since having my last two babies I've become somewhat of a home body and enjoy hanging with just my husband and kids. I'm so used to not hanging with friends that when we do, I get annoyed. Here's a good analogy:
When it comes to hanging with other couples I'm like a cat, ya know how a cat is when they want to be loved on they will jump up on your lap but when they're done, they're done....they jump off and want to be left alone.
Like we can invite a couple to go boating with us and tube and ski, for like, oh I don't know 4-5 hours or so, but after that, I'm done, go home, take your kids, your cooler and go home. Again, the cat analogy, when I'm done, I'm done. Have I become such a loner/home body that the general public just F'in get on my nerves or have I become so brain dead from hangin' with a 2 year old and 6 month old 24/7, that anything, or anyone, older confuses my brain that has now become oatmeal?
Who the hell knows, like Mike Myers said as the cat in the Cat in the Hat movie, "ride alone, die alone." Hmmm another cat reference, coincidence? Dunno, maybe.........over and out.
When it comes to hanging with other couples I'm like a cat, ya know how a cat is when they want to be loved on they will jump up on your lap but when they're done, they're done....they jump off and want to be left alone.
Like we can invite a couple to go boating with us and tube and ski, for like, oh I don't know 4-5 hours or so, but after that, I'm done, go home, take your kids, your cooler and go home. Again, the cat analogy, when I'm done, I'm done. Have I become such a loner/home body that the general public just F'in get on my nerves or have I become so brain dead from hangin' with a 2 year old and 6 month old 24/7, that anything, or anyone, older confuses my brain that has now become oatmeal?
Who the hell knows, like Mike Myers said as the cat in the Cat in the Hat movie, "ride alone, die alone." Hmmm another cat reference, coincidence? Dunno, maybe.........over and out.
Chocolate Pie For Breakfast
I make this really delicious chocolate pie but because I'm healthy at whatever I cook (no transfat, no refined sugar all organic)my southern fried guy won't eat it. So every time I make it I usually devour it within two days all by myself. So, like I'll have a few pieces the day I make it and then pretty much eat the rest for breakfast the next day. This morning however, hell boy was just staring up at me as I dove into it, chocolate dripping down my chin using my tongue to scoop it back up (ewww did that sound pornographic?) anyhow, I couldn't just eat this in front of him I felt bad. Then he said mommy bite, bite? So I said screw it, it's easier than making pancakes and gave him some (hey it's not your kid so keep your comments to yourself).
Yup, so there we were this morning with the sunlight beaming in the window upon us sharing a chocolate pie for breakfast, it's moments like these kids will remember for a lifetime....and unfortunately will also remember the next morning and every morning thereafter when it's breakfast time demanding chocolate pie, shit, maybe I should have made the pancakes!
Yup, so there we were this morning with the sunlight beaming in the window upon us sharing a chocolate pie for breakfast, it's moments like these kids will remember for a lifetime....and unfortunately will also remember the next morning and every morning thereafter when it's breakfast time demanding chocolate pie, shit, maybe I should have made the pancakes!
Saturday, September 18, 2010
How To Apply Mistake Proof Mascara
If you're anything like the typical woman, you probably almost always have to use a Q-Tip dipped in spit (yours of course, unless you're into weird stuff)to remove the dots and globs left on your eyelid or under your eye while applying. Especially if you have a 2 year old jumping on you while applying it......it's all fun and games until somebody loses an eye!!
Here's how to apply without the mishaps:
Just take a matchbook cover or business card and place it behind your lashes leaning it back toward your lid and apply away like a mad man errr, woman. All your oopsies will end up on the matchbook cover or business card. To apply mascara to your lower lashes, place the card underneath your lashes up against the lower lid.
Viola! No fuss, no mess.........now if we could just do something about the 2 year old jumping on you!
Here's how to apply without the mishaps:
Just take a matchbook cover or business card and place it behind your lashes leaning it back toward your lid and apply away like a mad man errr, woman. All your oopsies will end up on the matchbook cover or business card. To apply mascara to your lower lashes, place the card underneath your lashes up against the lower lid.
Viola! No fuss, no mess.........now if we could just do something about the 2 year old jumping on you!
Friday, September 17, 2010
My Fortress of Solitude....
Ok, so I'm 40 with a 2 yr. old and a 6 month old so Lord knows I need a break, actually a DAILY break (I think a 1 year break would be pushing it not to mention land me in jail). My southern fried guy gets his little breaks all through the day and night by sneaking outside for 15-30 minutes at a time for a smoke break, must be nice!! So all I ask for is the time it takes to shower and get my makeup on in peace and quiet which may equate to an hour depending if I have to wash and dry my hair.
I treasure this time and have officially designated my closet as my Fortress of Solitude. It's a large walk-in closet for those of you who think I sit in a square for an hour. I have a mirror and a shoe box full of my cosmetics in there to chill while getting ready (of course my big day outings usually involve just going to Wal-mart, but hey, why not look good doing it?).
However, today my fortress was tainted with the likes of a drooling baby chewing on my makeup brushes and a two year old jumping on my back while I was trying to apply my eyeliner. Why? Because my husband decided he needed to shave. What the F? So when we returned home from our outing which was nothing but crying babies and me crawling from the front seat into the back all day long to hush the baby and to fetch the toys hell boy kept throwing, I decided to make my way to the kitchen and poor a nice cold glass of wine. Of course who has time to sit and enjoy wine with the nuggets driving me insane?? So, I chugged it, smiled and said I love me some cheap ass wine! Then........ it was off to change a shitty diaper.
I treasure this time and have officially designated my closet as my Fortress of Solitude. It's a large walk-in closet for those of you who think I sit in a square for an hour. I have a mirror and a shoe box full of my cosmetics in there to chill while getting ready (of course my big day outings usually involve just going to Wal-mart, but hey, why not look good doing it?).
However, today my fortress was tainted with the likes of a drooling baby chewing on my makeup brushes and a two year old jumping on my back while I was trying to apply my eyeliner. Why? Because my husband decided he needed to shave. What the F? So when we returned home from our outing which was nothing but crying babies and me crawling from the front seat into the back all day long to hush the baby and to fetch the toys hell boy kept throwing, I decided to make my way to the kitchen and poor a nice cold glass of wine. Of course who has time to sit and enjoy wine with the nuggets driving me insane?? So, I chugged it, smiled and said I love me some cheap ass wine! Then........ it was off to change a shitty diaper.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Why Is It? More Dani-isms
Why is it that.........
When you plan a hot sex night with your husband you end up eating waaay too much for dinner and end up too bloated to fit in that sexy teddy?
You haven't had to fart all day until he goes down ........"there".
We've all become addicted to reality shows.....have our lives become that boring or are their lives that exciting?
Nobody told you you had spinach in your teeth before talking to that cute guy at Payless Shoes?
Why is that cute guy even in Payless Shoes?
Why are you in Payless Shoes?
English accents are so f'ing cool?
People from England usually have f'ed up teeth?
An hour after eating Chinese food you're starving again?
You're bothering to read this shit..........ha I kid, I kid.........but no, really why?
When you plan a hot sex night with your husband you end up eating waaay too much for dinner and end up too bloated to fit in that sexy teddy?
You haven't had to fart all day until he goes down ........"there".
We've all become addicted to reality shows.....have our lives become that boring or are their lives that exciting?
Nobody told you you had spinach in your teeth before talking to that cute guy at Payless Shoes?
Why is that cute guy even in Payless Shoes?
Why are you in Payless Shoes?
English accents are so f'ing cool?
People from England usually have f'ed up teeth?
An hour after eating Chinese food you're starving again?
You're bothering to read this shit..........ha I kid, I kid.........but no, really why?
How To Instantly Brighten Your Eyes
Have a bad night last night and need your eyes to appear brighter? Just use beige or peach colored eye pencil on your water line (the inside lower rim)stay away from using a white pencil as that will look really "harsh". I love using Maybelline's Cool Effects Eye Pencil in Peach Daiquiri (#26). It makes the whites of my eyes look whiter and brighter and hence will fake an awake look if you're still hung over from last night. (or, in my case, up and down with an infant all night which, I guess, could equate to a boobie hangover.....the joys of breastfeeding!)
Moving on and were walking, were walking............
Another way to make your eyes "pop".......use a shimmery white or peach colored eyeshadow outside the inner most corner of your eyes. You can also use the same eye pencil (above) if you'd like, however a shimmery shadow really looks great. Feel free to use both of these looks in conjunction with each other for "soopa doopa" brighter eyes!!! I love Makeup Forever Star Powders myself but any shimmer shadow will work great!]
Have fun!
Moving on and were walking, were walking............
Another way to make your eyes "pop".......use a shimmery white or peach colored eyeshadow outside the inner most corner of your eyes. You can also use the same eye pencil (above) if you'd like, however a shimmery shadow really looks great. Feel free to use both of these looks in conjunction with each other for "soopa doopa" brighter eyes!!! I love Makeup Forever Star Powders myself but any shimmer shadow will work great!]
Have fun!
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Why in the hell?
I must admit the only reason why I tuned into tonight's VMA's is because Chelsea Handler was hosting and of course if any wild n' crazy moments happened I wanted to experience them first hand live as it all unraveled. But to my dismay nothing went down that was wild, much less crazy. Even sadder, is Chelsea wasn't as funny as I thought she would be. The VMA's lasted what, just over two hours? Well that's two hours of my life I'll never get back. Zzzzzzzzz what a snooze fest.
What struck me as even odder was the fact it took MTV over two hours to award six people moon men WTF? There was more performing and banter going on than anything (did ya dig Kanye's toast to the douche bags, assholes and jerk offs song?). It's like six awards people??? Come on that could have been over and done with in like 5 minutes ya know?
However I do have to say that Cher looked phenomenal!! I don't give a shit if she's had 12 plastic surgeries done or not she's fabilicious! Her body was equally incredible. Maaaaaan I want to know who her plastic surgeon is because if you didn't already know that she was older than dirt you'd never know she's even had anything done!! I hope I look that good when I'm 64, my gaaaawd she looked like she could've been 30 something!! You go girl......errrr grandma!!!
What struck me as even odder was the fact it took MTV over two hours to award six people moon men WTF? There was more performing and banter going on than anything (did ya dig Kanye's toast to the douche bags, assholes and jerk offs song?). It's like six awards people??? Come on that could have been over and done with in like 5 minutes ya know?
However I do have to say that Cher looked phenomenal!! I don't give a shit if she's had 12 plastic surgeries done or not she's fabilicious! Her body was equally incredible. Maaaaaan I want to know who her plastic surgeon is because if you didn't already know that she was older than dirt you'd never know she's even had anything done!! I hope I look that good when I'm 64, my gaaaawd she looked like she could've been 30 something!! You go girl......errrr grandma!!!
Friday, September 10, 2010
My Dirty Little Secret
Alright, alright so I'm admitting to the world that I watch Jersey Shore and if I were to miss an episode I may just have a conniption. Not really sure what a conniption is, although Bill Cosby once described it as when your face slides off your skull, so I'm just gonna go ahead and go with that.
Okay, so I'm not sure what's more pathetic the fact that I'm 40 and watch this shit or the fact that I enjoy watching stupid drunk people bang random chicks/dudes. Either way it's F'in hilarious and I thought the chick fight between Sammi and Jenn was grrreat last night!! I was yelling go Jenn go Jenn because Sammi's a dumb bitch for reasons we all know, so she deserved to get smacked up. I thought it was an equal fight, however Sammi continues throughout the episode thinking she's billy bad ass saying she whooped Jenn's ass. What-Evaaaaaaaa hooker!! If I could of reached inside the television to smack her myself I would have along with her muscle head shit for brains boyfriend.
OMG!! How can an episode of Jersey Shore get me so pissed?? Who knows, but every episode is full of entertainment! I'm Dani Page and Jersey Shore was my idea.........although I'm still waiting to get paid.
Okay, so I'm not sure what's more pathetic the fact that I'm 40 and watch this shit or the fact that I enjoy watching stupid drunk people bang random chicks/dudes. Either way it's F'in hilarious and I thought the chick fight between Sammi and Jenn was grrreat last night!! I was yelling go Jenn go Jenn because Sammi's a dumb bitch for reasons we all know, so she deserved to get smacked up. I thought it was an equal fight, however Sammi continues throughout the episode thinking she's billy bad ass saying she whooped Jenn's ass. What-Evaaaaaaaa hooker!! If I could of reached inside the television to smack her myself I would have along with her muscle head shit for brains boyfriend.
OMG!! How can an episode of Jersey Shore get me so pissed?? Who knows, but every episode is full of entertainment! I'm Dani Page and Jersey Shore was my idea.........although I'm still waiting to get paid.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Yummy Healthy Pancake Recipe!
This is a great recipe for those that don't eat wheat or white flour and at the same time help lower their cholesterol levels. **This recipe is not gluten free however
Put the following ingredients into a blender:
2 Cups Quick Oats (dry)
1 to 2 Bananas
1 Egg
2 Cups Almond or SoDelicious Coconut Milk (you can add more or less for thicker or thinner pancakes, don't go too thin or you'll get too gooey of pancakes)
Blend well. Put some olive oil in a pan on medium heat, cook on one side until firm enough to flip without making a sloppy mess.
Serve with 100% Pure Maple Syrup, Organic Agave Nectar or Coconut Nectar. You can also sprinkle some walnuts on top............ delicious!
You can also add blueberries, organic unsweetened coconut flakes or even organic raw cacoa for chocolate pancakes. Hell boy loves these and so will you!!
Put the following ingredients into a blender:
2 Cups Quick Oats (dry)
1 to 2 Bananas
1 Egg
2 Cups Almond or SoDelicious Coconut Milk (you can add more or less for thicker or thinner pancakes, don't go too thin or you'll get too gooey of pancakes)
Blend well. Put some olive oil in a pan on medium heat, cook on one side until firm enough to flip without making a sloppy mess.
Serve with 100% Pure Maple Syrup, Organic Agave Nectar or Coconut Nectar. You can also sprinkle some walnuts on top............ delicious!
You can also add blueberries, organic unsweetened coconut flakes or even organic raw cacoa for chocolate pancakes. Hell boy loves these and so will you!!
I Love the Crap Out of This Stuff
We've all tried Retin A, well at least most of us 30-40 somethings and found it to work great, or at least I did, however some will argue that it is harsh on the skin. For those that find Retin A annoying and bothersome not to mention a bit heavy on the ol' pocket book this is another product you can use that will give virtually the same results AND at a very affordable price. Alpha Hydrox products! They contain glycolic acid in amounts from 10-14% and are AMAZING with fading discoloration and fine lines and wrinkles.
You may remember Alpha Hydrox products back in the late 90's, I remember them at Wal-mart. I never did use them because back then I couldn't fathom spending more than 5 bucks for skin care. I was in my late 20's so what did I know??? This brand quickly disappeared and didn't resurface (at least to me) until like a month ago at my local Ulta Beauty. I thought holy shit I haven't seen those products in like forever! I went home and did some googling and found the official site that sells Alpha Hydrox products, I was surprised of all the other products they had in their line including body care too. I read a ton of reviews from actual users and thought what the hell, I may as well try it out. So I went back to Ulta and purchased the 10% Glycolic Oil Free Treatment and their Eye/Lip Treatment. I love the crap out of this stuff. After just a few weeks I have noticed a tremendous difference in my hyperpigmentation (caused from hormones during pregnancy) and unbelievably soft skin. Although the soft skin was immediate. I never even got these results from Retin A!
I later ordered some of the body care products which are f'in awesome too! I use the the body cleanser, silk wrap body lotion and also ordered the hand cream and foot cream as well. The silk wrap body lotion has a slight scent that some people regard as awful, however those people made comments that they purchased theirs at dollar discount stores and probably went bad. Mine smells a bit like what self tanner would smell like, however a much lighter version. These products help with Pilaris Keratosis, which are those annoying little bumps some people have on their arms or legs.
I am soooooo glad that I decided to try this line and probably won't bother switching to another anytime soon.
To visit Alpa Hydrox's website click on the pic on the right side of my page! They are constantly having GREAT sales where you can get their products for 50% off so you'll need to check back often. PLUS if you order by clicking on the banner you will receive 10% off your first order and 5% off EVERY additional order thereafter! Just enter the code NC-US-212 at checkout to get your discount!!!
You may remember Alpha Hydrox products back in the late 90's, I remember them at Wal-mart. I never did use them because back then I couldn't fathom spending more than 5 bucks for skin care. I was in my late 20's so what did I know??? This brand quickly disappeared and didn't resurface (at least to me) until like a month ago at my local Ulta Beauty. I thought holy shit I haven't seen those products in like forever! I went home and did some googling and found the official site that sells Alpha Hydrox products, I was surprised of all the other products they had in their line including body care too. I read a ton of reviews from actual users and thought what the hell, I may as well try it out. So I went back to Ulta and purchased the 10% Glycolic Oil Free Treatment and their Eye/Lip Treatment. I love the crap out of this stuff. After just a few weeks I have noticed a tremendous difference in my hyperpigmentation (caused from hormones during pregnancy) and unbelievably soft skin. Although the soft skin was immediate. I never even got these results from Retin A!
I later ordered some of the body care products which are f'in awesome too! I use the the body cleanser, silk wrap body lotion and also ordered the hand cream and foot cream as well. The silk wrap body lotion has a slight scent that some people regard as awful, however those people made comments that they purchased theirs at dollar discount stores and probably went bad. Mine smells a bit like what self tanner would smell like, however a much lighter version. These products help with Pilaris Keratosis, which are those annoying little bumps some people have on their arms or legs.
I am soooooo glad that I decided to try this line and probably won't bother switching to another anytime soon.
To visit Alpa Hydrox's website click on the pic on the right side of my page! They are constantly having GREAT sales where you can get their products for 50% off so you'll need to check back often. PLUS if you order by clicking on the banner you will receive 10% off your first order and 5% off EVERY additional order thereafter! Just enter the code NC-US-212 at checkout to get your discount!!!
Friday, September 3, 2010
Those Little Nuggets Can Be So Much Fun
This is Hell Boy..........
This is Hell Boy after a six pack**...........
**The nugget was not harmed in either of these pictures (well except for consuming the trans fats looming about in those chicken tenders up there) otherwise no alcoholic beverages were bestowed upon the little nugget.
What the F?
How in the hell is it that this guy doesn't scare the Ba-Geezus out of small children? Was the person that developed Yo-Gabba-Gabba high? I mean have you tried to watch this show? Ok, if you have and it freaks the crap out of you, imagine what would happen if you were watching it completely baked?
Can somebeody please tell me what happened to this banana I was gong to put in my green drink this morning? I mean it looks like somebody had mistaken it for a cigarette and tried to light the end of it WTF?
Okay so I've been entering the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes forever! However, over the years they've gotten pretty damn sneaky at trying to coerce you into buying things without you realizing it. Case in point, look at the picture.... this what my counter looked like after I was forced, I tell you forced to go through the buy this cheap great shit now booklets, only to try and find the "stamp" to place on my "official" entry form. Yea they literally hide the stamp you need amongst the other stamps to order crap. Pretty sneaky huh? It's like playing a Where's Waldo game but the adult gambling version. I had to go through like four of those damn brochure thingies before I finally found the special stamp I needed. Only to have to tear it out from the perforation and lick the back of it, which tasted like ass by the way**, and then place it over the box template on the entry form I needed to send back.
You would think by now they would come up with a more updated way to "enter" instead of searching, licking and sticking I mean that was so 80's. Why do I waste postage stamps on this crap? Why do I bother to enter, knowing I won't win? Why do the commercials where they walk up to the winners front door and let them know they've won and hand them a giant ass check bring a tear to my eye EVERY TIME? I mean I know what's coming next, hell it's no surprise! Why are those checks so damn big, I mean what bank would deposit such a monstrosity? The Bank of Goliath? Why are the winners always, always older than dirt? Is it that they purposely choose old people knowing they're going to die soon and won't ever have to pay them the full amount? Why is it I just can't seem to throw one of these sweepstakes entries in the trash? Is it because I'll always wonder ........what if? Perhaps, but then again, with all the time combined over the last few years I've spent looking for that special stamp amidst oodles of shit products I could have baked a cake, spent more time with my kids.......hmmm probably
**I don't actually know what ass tastes like, I can only imagine and either way, it can't possibly be good.
Get Kim Kardashian's Glowing Cheek Look
No I'm talking about her ass, I mean how would I know if her butt glows or not? Although with all the money she makes she probably hires someone to buff and shine it daily. Moving on.............
If you've seen Kim Kardashian then you know what I'm talking about, her cheekbones are defined and her cheeks glow. Well here's how you can get the look!
Here's what you'll need:
A darker blush (preferably a darker taupe or brown)
A decent blush brush ( I like to use squirrel hair brushes when it comes to my powder and blush brushes)
MAC Mineralize Skinfinish in Soft and Gentle
Maybelline Dream Mousse Blush in Peach Satin
After applying your foundation apply your face powder all over to set except on the apples of your cheeks. The reason for this is because the Dream Mousse Blush is a cream and if you rub anything creamy over top a powder you get pancake batter!
Next you will take your blush brush and swirl it over top your darker blush, then tap the excess off. Apply this darker shade in the hollow of your cheek but just under the highest portion of your cheekbone, if you go too low you'll look like you just stepped out of the 80's. Next take the Dream Mousse Blush in Peach Satin and dab your finger lightly in a circular motion picking up just enough product and apply to the apples of your cheeks also in a light circular motion, being careful not to get the blush too close to the side of the nose, get it in this area and you may as well join the circus cuz honey you'll look like a clown. Just try to keep it higher up on the apple of the cheek. Lastly, you'll take your blush brush (after running it over a tissue several times to remove the darker color) and swirl it over top the Skinfinish in Soft and Gentle, tap off excess and apply it in the form of a "C" starting from your temple and curving it around on top of your cheekbone, being sure to blend. You can apply a second coat if you feel you need an extra glow.
Viola! Beautiful, defined, glowing cheeks!
Lawnmowers MUST DIE
Alright so I didn't get to bed until 2:30 this morning, because the 2 year old took a power nap from 7p-9p and wouldn't remotely go to bed until 2am. Of course the 5 month old had to follow suit, although every time giggle toots tries to go to sleep (I call the 5 month old that because all he does is laugh and fart) the 2 year old screams in his face or is louder than hell and wakes him anyways. So finally everyone's in bed, including myself by 2:30am.
Then I'm awoken by a horrendous noise as if an airplane was landing on my house, what the F??? The damn neighbor's yard crew is out there mowing and weed whacking at friggin' 8am. Which of course woke up giggle toots. I wanted to jump out of bed in my mismatched bedroom attire and go kick somebody's ass!! Is there no respect for mother's who get no sleep because they are up with a baby during the night? Can the dude next door not mow his own damn yard? Why the F are lawnmower's so loud, I mean dishwashers are "quiet" now why can't they make "quiet" lawnmowers? The asshole was so close to my bedroom window, I probably could have opened it, leaned out and choked him out. Finally when they made it to the other side of the dude's yard, no doubt now pissing off the other neighbor I was able to get myself and giggle toots to half way go to sleep when.............dunt dunt duuuuuuuuuh who I do I hear coming down the stairs yelling "ding" "ding" the two year old, aka "hell boy" he's a hot mess let me tell you.
Of course Ding means Superman (what you didn't know that?) he says batman, ironman etc. but refuses to say superman, how he came up with Ding who knows. So I get him comfortable watching Wonder Pets (this has to be the gayest show ever) he loves it. Then I take a visit to the downstairs tinkle room where I end up sitting in the 21 year olds pee, apparently he was too lazy to lift the seat the last time he took a piss and got some on the seat only to greet my happy ass this morning. Oddly, the 16 year old girl always dribbles on the toilet seat too, is this some sort of genetic mutation that runs in my family? Are my kids trying to piss me off? Why is the 21 year old boy still in my house?
So here I am on Friday morning with dark circles under my eyes, piss on my left ass cheek and a 2 year old screaming pancakes! pancakes! It's going to be a wonderful day....................
Then I'm awoken by a horrendous noise as if an airplane was landing on my house, what the F??? The damn neighbor's yard crew is out there mowing and weed whacking at friggin' 8am. Which of course woke up giggle toots. I wanted to jump out of bed in my mismatched bedroom attire and go kick somebody's ass!! Is there no respect for mother's who get no sleep because they are up with a baby during the night? Can the dude next door not mow his own damn yard? Why the F are lawnmower's so loud, I mean dishwashers are "quiet" now why can't they make "quiet" lawnmowers? The asshole was so close to my bedroom window, I probably could have opened it, leaned out and choked him out. Finally when they made it to the other side of the dude's yard, no doubt now pissing off the other neighbor I was able to get myself and giggle toots to half way go to sleep when.............dunt dunt duuuuuuuuuh who I do I hear coming down the stairs yelling "ding" "ding" the two year old, aka "hell boy" he's a hot mess let me tell you.
Of course Ding means Superman (what you didn't know that?) he says batman, ironman etc. but refuses to say superman, how he came up with Ding who knows. So I get him comfortable watching Wonder Pets (this has to be the gayest show ever) he loves it. Then I take a visit to the downstairs tinkle room where I end up sitting in the 21 year olds pee, apparently he was too lazy to lift the seat the last time he took a piss and got some on the seat only to greet my happy ass this morning. Oddly, the 16 year old girl always dribbles on the toilet seat too, is this some sort of genetic mutation that runs in my family? Are my kids trying to piss me off? Why is the 21 year old boy still in my house?
So here I am on Friday morning with dark circles under my eyes, piss on my left ass cheek and a 2 year old screaming pancakes! pancakes! It's going to be a wonderful day....................
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Green Drinks Are Good For You and Sugar Makes You Fart
No that's not a typo up there, sugar makes you fart, toot, cut the cheese. Whenever you consume sugar you're feeding the bacteria in your gut and then they shit that out inside of you (great visual eh?) then it comes out of you by means of a fart....yummy. However, if you start eating healthy and cut down on sugar as well as white pasta, white bread, wheat, dairy, processed foods, sodium nitrates (deli meats and cured meat) your body will be healthy, you're skin will look great and your friends and husband will thank you for no longer polluting their environment. For more on how sugar can age you read this.
If you have a hard time incorporating greens into your diet by eating them, you can drink them and make it tons easier. I drink a green drink at least twice a day and have energy and glowing skin. I of course incorporate these green drinks with a healthy lifestyle like a clean, healthy diet and exercise. Here a few of my favorites:
Green Banana Berry Blast:
In a blender (preferably a NINJA or a Vitamix) Put in the following ingredients:
5-6 Kale leaves
A handful of spinach leaves
1-2 Large bananas
1-1 1/2 Cup of frozen or fresh blueberries
1 Tablespoon of powdered Flax Seed (fresh seeds ground up in coffee grinder)
Add 2 Cups filtered water
2 TBS of Coconut Nectar or Organic Clear Agave Nectar
Makes about 16oz. Drink immediately.
Apple Banana Green Drink:
5 to 6 Kale leaves or a few handfuls of fresh spinach leaves
1 Whole apple (green or red) chopped and cored with skin
1-2 Large bananas
5-6 Baby carrots chopped (optional)
1 TBS of Flaxseed powder
2 Cups Filtered water.
2 TBS of Coconut Nectar or Organic Clear Agave Nectar
Makes about 16oz. Drink immediately
The Kale and the Spinach have amazing antioxidant properties and will fight off free radicals that are responsible for the break down of collagen (aside from naturally aging) and fine lines.
If you need even more of a pick me up add some Goji berries into your green drink or just pop a few handfuls for even more nutrients. For more info about Goji berries read this.
So here's to younger looking skin, more energy and no more skid marks in your panties ladies! Bottoms up!
If you have a hard time incorporating greens into your diet by eating them, you can drink them and make it tons easier. I drink a green drink at least twice a day and have energy and glowing skin. I of course incorporate these green drinks with a healthy lifestyle like a clean, healthy diet and exercise. Here a few of my favorites:
Green Banana Berry Blast:
In a blender (preferably a NINJA or a Vitamix) Put in the following ingredients:
5-6 Kale leaves
A handful of spinach leaves
1-2 Large bananas
1-1 1/2 Cup of frozen or fresh blueberries
1 Tablespoon of powdered Flax Seed (fresh seeds ground up in coffee grinder)
Add 2 Cups filtered water
2 TBS of Coconut Nectar or Organic Clear Agave Nectar
Makes about 16oz. Drink immediately.
Apple Banana Green Drink:
5 to 6 Kale leaves or a few handfuls of fresh spinach leaves
1 Whole apple (green or red) chopped and cored with skin
1-2 Large bananas
5-6 Baby carrots chopped (optional)
1 TBS of Flaxseed powder
2 Cups Filtered water.
2 TBS of Coconut Nectar or Organic Clear Agave Nectar
Makes about 16oz. Drink immediately
The Kale and the Spinach have amazing antioxidant properties and will fight off free radicals that are responsible for the break down of collagen (aside from naturally aging) and fine lines.
If you need even more of a pick me up add some Goji berries into your green drink or just pop a few handfuls for even more nutrients. For more info about Goji berries read this.
So here's to younger looking skin, more energy and no more skid marks in your panties ladies! Bottoms up!
For More STUFF........
Just in case you want to read up on even more beauty buzz come on over to see me on the Examiner as the Jackson Beauty Examiner. I have stashed here close to 200 articles on makeup, beauty, natural beauty, tips, DIY facials and other crap. Jackson Beauty Examiner
Tomorrow .......Drink you're way pretty with my favorite green drink recipes! Yum!
Tomorrow .......Drink you're way pretty with my favorite green drink recipes! Yum!
Introductions? Well they just .... Suck
Why is it when one introduces themselves it's so awkward? Hi, my name is blah, I like blah and oh I have this great blah. Yadda, yadda, yadda. Putting all that useless crap aside, I'd like to say that I hope you will find my blogs useful, if for anything to make you laugh, even if it's a small chuckle.
I'll be dishing on makeup tips, tricks, reviews as well as just random thoughts I like to call "dani-isms" so this blog will be a hodge podge of both useful and useless things but always with a side order of humor! I write this now holding my 5 month old whilst he drools down my arm, (I never realized just how hard it is to type with one hand, this sucks). Of course while this is going on my 2 year old keeps randomly walking up to me demanding snacks, which of course I get for him only to say he doesn't want them anymore, geez then I wonder where all my time goes. At least all this fetching may get my ass back up there where it used to be when I was 20 something. I've always said I want an ass so perky I could set a beer on it. Of course these days, it's green drinks and water.
Yes, I am a health food nut married to a southern fried guy so ultimately I have to make two dinners one for him and one for me. My grocery bill is retarded I'm telling you, I spend $250 at Wal-Fart and then another $100 at the health food store. Eating right does help with your skin and keeps you younger looking. In later blogs I'll share with you some amazing things you can do and eat to keep you looking your best!
I welcome any all questions regarding makeup, beauty, natural health or anything you want to ask.
Well, I'm off as it seems my 2 year old is imitating Disney's "Kick Buttowski" and attempting a dare devil act............diving off the back of the couch, the joys of parenthood.
I'll be dishing on makeup tips, tricks, reviews as well as just random thoughts I like to call "dani-isms" so this blog will be a hodge podge of both useful and useless things but always with a side order of humor! I write this now holding my 5 month old whilst he drools down my arm, (I never realized just how hard it is to type with one hand, this sucks). Of course while this is going on my 2 year old keeps randomly walking up to me demanding snacks, which of course I get for him only to say he doesn't want them anymore, geez then I wonder where all my time goes. At least all this fetching may get my ass back up there where it used to be when I was 20 something. I've always said I want an ass so perky I could set a beer on it. Of course these days, it's green drinks and water.
Yes, I am a health food nut married to a southern fried guy so ultimately I have to make two dinners one for him and one for me. My grocery bill is retarded I'm telling you, I spend $250 at Wal-Fart and then another $100 at the health food store. Eating right does help with your skin and keeps you younger looking. In later blogs I'll share with you some amazing things you can do and eat to keep you looking your best!
I welcome any all questions regarding makeup, beauty, natural health or anything you want to ask.
Well, I'm off as it seems my 2 year old is imitating Disney's "Kick Buttowski" and attempting a dare devil act............diving off the back of the couch, the joys of parenthood.
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