All Natural Moisturizer

There are so many moisturizers out there on the market today it can really confuse a girl not to mention make a huge dent in the ol' wallet.  Hundreds upon hundreds of dollars are spent for just one product claiming to instantly get rid of this or that, lighten this, make that smaller............yea okay and I'm a 6 foot Brazilian model babe.  (Hey it could happen.......).

All you need is some knowledge about essential oils and you'll be well on your way to softening your skin and wrinkles and brightening your skin.

Rose Hip Seed Oil is wonderful for a moisturizer and will instantly hydrate and make your skin soft as a baby's bottom.  Seriously no bullshit here, just fact.  What's even more appealing about this oil is that it's extremely inexpensive and will last you a while.  I bought a 1 oz. bottle for under $5.  I use mine for an under eye moisturizer both day and night and it works wonders and dissolves easily into the skin.  For the more mature woman or someone that has extremely dry skin you can apply it all over the face.  No need to mix it with another carrier oil.  You could, however, add myrrh or frankincense essential oil to it as both these essential oils are excellent moisturizers.

You can also use organic coconut oil all over your face.  The coconut oil will help brighten the skin and because it has antibacterial and antiviral properties those that are even acne prone can use this as a moisturizer.  I buy mine at my local health food store.  You can add some tea tree essential oil to the coconut oil if you are acne prone as tea tree is great for acne.  Organic coconut oil will run you up to about $15 depending on what brand you choose.

Bah Humbug!!

Is it just me or am I the only one that loathes the holidays?  Yea , yea I get the whole sharing, giving, family crap but really is that what goes on during Christmas?  It's just become this hugely commercialized day where you have to out do everyone's presents by buying bigger and better ones.  Then there's the extra time you have to put in to spend with your spouse's family, which half the time you can barely stand during the year.  Gift exchanges that you get roped into that just suck, I mean there's nothing more that I hate during the holidays than those damn gift exchanges.  What's the point in buying a gift for someone you don't even know, one they probably won't even like and don't need, it's just a pain in the ass.  I mean it's hard for me to buy for someone I do know much less someone I don't and don't really care to get to know.

I even loathe putting up a tree, know why?  Because it's one more thing I've got to take down and put away and vacuum up after.

I can't even stand how people put a bunch of junk in their yard during the holidays, like wood cut outs of ridiculous reindeer and santa which half the time don't even look remotely like reindeer.  What's even worse, is when it's like 6 months after Christmas  and these assholes still have their shit up.

I have to deal needlessly with the over abundance of traffic which equals more dip shits on the roads acting like idiots.  Making illegal U-turns, darting in and out of traffic, never using a signal light all in the name of gift giving and getting.  It's like go home, turn on the computer and order grandma's crap off the net already!

Then there's the Christmas parties where you have to blow more money to buy a new dress and shoes, get your nails done and hair fixed yadda yadda yadda.  Why do people even bother to go to these things?  Ah yes, to sit back and watch who will end up making a drunk ass out of themselves so we can make fun of them Monday at the office.  Good times, gooood times.  Really?  Unless you're getting free liquor from your company Christmas party it's really not worth it to even go.  The last company hoopla I went to we got two drink tickets and that was it.  Luckily I was able to flirt with the guy they hired to serve the drinks and got a couple extra.

All in all people have ruined what Christmas is about with their pretentious bullshit and look at me I'm awesome because I brought the biggest gift to the party.

More time and money is wasted on the ideals of Christmas and not enough time and money is spent on what really matters.  The birthday of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ and the spirit of the giving of our time and love to those that really need it.  Helping and giving to those that are less fortunate.  You should try it one year and get your kids involved too, like serving at your local homeless shelter or maybe having you and your kids gather up clothes and/or toys they no longer use and donating them to a battered women and children's shelter.  These are the kinds of things that are Christmas to me how about you?

Who in the Hell is Kim Kardashian Dating Now???

Holy shit can we keep up with this chick?  First off, don't get me wrong, I think she's a hottie myself (no homo) but in the last several months or so she's proving to be a serial dater.  She's ruining it for Keeping Up With The Kardashian's hit reality show.  I mean by the time the next season starts it will already feel like reruns to us because we already know what's going on with her crazy ass life.

Okay so first there was the dude from the Dallas Cowboys, who, in my opinion, looked like a vampire, I mean was I the only one that noticed his fangs?  Then the whole Kanye West rumor.......or was it?  Then Hale Berry's ex, Gabriel Audry, which when caught together at a B ball game she as well as her mother Kris, insisted they were not dating that they were just "friends", well can't friends sleep together and go out?  Sure they can until a few days later they are in the headlines as "breaking up" wha, wha, wait a cotton pickin' minute weren't they just like friends 24 hours ago?  Then the article I read said that they were dating for a week and things were moving "too fast" because they both were coming off a break up.  Although other sources say she felt that his age (34) was older than she was looking for AND she felt he was using her for her fame.  Okay, okay so good Kim I'm glad that you finally figured out jumping from cock to cock isn't really a good look for you ......ooooooh hell no wait a minute what's this I see?  She's dating a B ball player now???  Kris Humphries from the NJ Nets,  who in my opinion looks just like Taylor Lautner.  She says he's normal and fun. Wow, really Kim, really?

You Know You're Getting Old When............

1.  Your ass can no longer remember to stay up

2.  The skin on your arms looks like crepe paper, (when the F did that happen? Probably when the estrogen in your body started to say buh-bye)

3.  Music, any music that is playing is TOO LOUD

4.  You don't even have patience for the time it takes to nuke a hot pocket

5.  You think Chivalry and love is all crap.

6.  When seeing a young couple "in love" makes you want to vomit

7.  You start calling people in their mid 20's "kids"

8.  When you decide yea, let's go out for a drink and you look around and realize you're old enough to be everyone's mother.

9.  When you have no idea what song is playing on the radio.

10. When you have no idea how to even work the radio.

Black Friday Hoopla is Poopla

Alright, alright so yes I have been that psycho shopper who has gotten herself up at the ass crack of dawn to go stand in a line that's a hundred miles long in front of my local "mart" just to buy stuff.  But hey, I was going to buy a ten speed bike for just $35 it was worth it!  Hmmm or was it......being I only rode the damn thing like for all of a minute only to become the property of the ex back in the day.

Anyhow, so is it really worth the torment of getting up before the roosters even do and risking your life....literally, to get half off of something that the store may only have 10 of to begin with AND if your the sorry bastard that gets to it after the 10th person, gets f'ed anyways?  I mean some people have been trampled to death over Black Friday events as well as shot and beat up.  If your kid wants that Iron Man doll that bad just order it at full price online or go to the store days prior to Black Friday. Nothing is worth your life or being caught out of the house with the no makeup and saggy sweat pants look, hyped on caffeine with sleep in the corner of your eye.  I'm not sure what's worse the after Christmas sale or the after Thanksgiving sales (Black Friday).

If you've ever worked in retail you know what I'm talking about.  I've literally witnessed a herd of people with their faces pressed up against the gate of Dillard's once breathing heavy and waiting to charge as soon as the gates went up.  They literally ran, I mean ran into the store. I thought I some how had been magically transported to a NYC marathon.  All for what?  Half off a Christmas bulb?  Holy bat shit Batman WTF?

Can you get some good deals on Black Friday?  Sure. Can you get maimed while in the process of the hoopla?  You bet'cha.  Can you say F it and enjoy Black Friday deals online while in the nude eating your Cheerio's?  Hell yea!!

Now which one would you choose?

Dani-isms For Today

1.  Why do people act like they're hot shit while they're talking on their mobile phones in public?

2.  Why do men seem to get an attitude when they're chewing gum?  They should call gum "Stick O' Asshole" at least when it comes to men's gum.

3.  Why are my clothes the only ones that get F'd up in the wash and nobody elses?  Got a pen in your pants?  The ink will find it's way to my $50 jeans, not yours.

4.  Why do some people feel the need to break out in song no matter WHERE they are, I mean do they actually think Simon Cowell is lurking behind the paper towels in aisle two at Wal-mart and will miraculously sign them?

5.  How come when somebody does something really stupid and/or embarrassing on television "I" get embarrassed for them?  I mean I don't know this dumb ass why should I care?

6.  Why is it when your cable network decides to F up it's always during the season finale of your favorite show and during the last two minutes?

7.  Whoever said getting even wasn't the right thing to do just never succeeded at doing so.

8.  Go ahead, cut me off in traffic, I'm on my period and my husband just bought me this new, shiny glock.

9.  Is there a reason women shave off their eyebrows only to to draw them back on.........in the wrong place?

10. Is it necessary to take 24 hours to answer a text message, I mean really are you that busy?

Candy Corn, Popcorn Balls and Jersey Shore's Snooki

What's up with candy corn?  Who made this triangular oddity and why do people feel compelled to hand this out during Halloween?  Do they honestly think that kids/teens are going to eat this crap?  I remember when my two oldest children went trick or treating and that's the first thing they would pick out and throw in the "trash" pile, well, that and those disgusting popcorn balls.  They always smelled like feet.

I really don't know of anyone that has ever liked candy corn, either that or they were too embarrassed to admit it.  This stuff resembles candle wax and tastes like a clump of sugar that was left out on the kitchen counter over night from some unknown source.

Although, there is nothing more disturbing, or leaves a less than fresh taste in my mouth, than the alarming amount of people that are wanting to dress up like The Jersey Shore's Snooki for Halloween and desperately trying to find a pre-bagged Snooki costume.  Why don't you save yourself the trouble and money and just dress up in a short, skin tight, unfashionable dress and act like a drunk slut?  It's easy, cheap and simple............ kind of like Snooki.

And hey, here's an added benefit:  Instead of the norm, where "halloweeners" ring doorbells shaking down strangers for candy you can just shake down people for booze and juice heads.  Hey, it may be better than that crappy candy corn.

Need To Hide A Zit Fast?

Back in the day working for Christian Dior I had picked up a very cool tip from one of their executives.  Hiding a zit with concealer is not always fool proof and sometimes can make things worse.  So why not work the zit to your advantage?

I'm sure you're saying WTF?  How can this big, ugly thing on my face ever work to my advantage especially when you've got a date or important event coming up.  Simple, that is, if the zit is in a "good" place on your face. Like say near your mouth or high up on your cheek.  You can turn that zit into a sexy Cindy Crawford like mole.  Just use a brown eyeliner or brow pencil and color that sucker in.  Yeah, you heard me color it brown to dark brown and viola you have a sexy mole instantly and don't have to worry about that angry zit anymore.  It's new and chic instead of red and gross.

Yeah, yeah, you can thank me later..............have fun!!

Talons, Toe Jam and Dirt

Homo-phobe or not, you have to admit that The A List New York is entertaining as hell.  Yes, I could do without the PDA that they dish on there, however it's giving Housewives of Beverly Hills a run for its money.  These guys are so damn pretty it's pathetic.  What the hell, why are gay guys always good looking?  It's like every single one of them on this show, or at least 90% of them are hot.

It's sad when a dude takes better care of their looks than most women.  What has this world come to?    I know guys who are straight and get pedicures and manicures and have more candles and incense in their house than I do.  Is it sexy?  Hmmm, I'm gonna go with no.  I mean don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want my husband walking around with talons, toe jam and dirt but I think getting pedi's and mani's would be pushing it.

Either way, these guys are pretty to look at and even funnier to watch.  Gotta love the bitch fights!

Super Antioxidant Drink

I have created one of THE healthiest and tastiest smoothie ever!  It gives you energy, literally, I'm talking a buzz of happiness minus the cannabis of course.  It contains goji berries which are incredibly healthy and healing as well as MSM which is sulphur that our body needs to maintain our immune system and maca root powder which is a superfood.

Read here about goji berries, here about MSM and  about maca root powder here.  This is a beauty drink because of the enormous amounts of antioxidants in it and the MSM promotes the production of collagen, which we women in our 40's and beyond NEED!  You will notice over a short period of time softer skin, less wrinkles, harder nails and thicker hair. The MSM will even help with skin hyperpigmentation (melasma).  Add all that to the burst of energy and great mood you'll be in after consuming it, you'll want to drink this concoction twice a day or more!!

Here's my secret recipe:

2 Bananas
1 to 1 1/2 Cups of frozen or fresh blueberries
1 Cup White Tea (using filtered water)
2 Rounded Tablespoons of ****Goji berries (*see below)
2 Tablespoons of **Flax Seed (*see below)
Up to 1 Tbs. (depending on your needs) of  Organic Maca Root powder.
1/4 Tsp.*** MSM powder (pure, no MSM "mixes" )

Place all of the ingredients in a blender.  I highly recommend the NINJA (I love this thing). Pulsate several times until you get a smooth blend.  Pour, and drink.

*You will need a decent coffee grinder to grind up the goji berries and flax seeds.  The rounded tablespoons of goji berries will be the amount prior to grinding as well as the amount of flax seeds prior to grinding.

**Please be advised that if you have herpes simplex 1 or 2 omit the flax seeds, as they contain high amounts of arginine and according to reports can trigger an outbreak.

***Start out with just 1/4 tsp of MSM to start and then week two build up to 1/2 tsp and keep building up thereafter if you are using the MSM for therapeutic reasons i.e., joint pain, melasma, etc.  If not, continue to just use 1/4 tsp. Side effects are rare as bloating, intestinal gas and loose stools may occur.  Work up to the dosage that your comfortable with and if you detox too quickly lower dosage.

****If you are just starting to use goji berries start out with just 10 or 20 berries and work your way up to 100.  These berries are potent and can give you a "rush" or "high" so to speak, so start out small and go up from there (the 2 rounded TBS as indicated in recipe)

Additional Info:
Maca Root Powder is known to boost libido in both men and women and increase bust size and "booty" size in women because it balances hormones.  The latter has been proven via posts made by actual women throughout the web regarding their experiences.

Yummy and good for your looks and body!

Jersey Shore's Snooki in Her Just Dance 2 Commercial.......Hilarious

What is up with these Jersey Shore people NONE of them can dance!  I guess fist pumping is all any of them can do with the occasional hand spring in the club while sporting a thong (thanks Snooki for that in season 1)

Take a look at Snooki's commercial and see what you think, It takes me back to that Seinfeld episode where Elaine does the herky jerky dance.  Keep your eyes open for another familiar face from Jersey Shore joining her in this.



Ubisoft Just Dance 2 Commercial - MTV Jersey Shore from Matt Workman on Vimeo.

I Love Sunday Mornings.......Well, Maybe

Aaaaah there's nothing like sleeping in on a Sunday morning (ha, yea right, if you have no kids) I woke up this morning, the crack ass of dawn, as usual, with the sound of mama, mama. I slowly cracked one eyelid open and there, less than a 1/4 inch from my face with a bad case of morning breath, was Hell boy.

"Go awaaaaaaaaay", I said. He just kept up with the mama mama's until I literally rolled out of bed onto the floor. I had just been up with Giggle toots three hours prior for a feeding.

I come from a loud Italian family, so it's no wonder Hell boy inherited my loud mouth, so of course he woke up Giggle toots with his mama mama's. Someone make it stop! Is there no rest for the weary? I'm 40, I should be sleeping in at least until noon, then getting up drinking a smoothie in peace wondering what my children are doing a whole city away from me. Instead, I'm being woken up by a 2 year old, a 7 month old and wondering if my 21 year old ever put his laundry in the dryer from last night.

Two diaper changes later, I make my way to the breakfast room and find a lovely work of art from Hell boy..........on my wall. Today is going to be a blasty blast, I tell ya.

Did Vinny From Jersey Shore Sleep With a Tranny and Who is Sidney Starr?

So now that I've discussed the whole Ramona could be a Tranny issue, my next thought is did Vinny have sex with "it" or not in last night's episode. We can assume yes, but the thought makes me cringe. Some may say that if in fact Ramona is a tranny wouldn't she have gotten breast implants, I mean come on she has no boobies! However,there are hormones that "it" could be taking to give her breasts (naturally). Don't be fooled by her voice, etc.

Still not convinced that Ramona is a tranny? Take a look at this video of the first tranny known in the hip hop world that just came out with the news and has been linked to Chingy, Lil' Wayne and Soulja Boy, to name a few. This video is a radio interview with her, Sidney Starr and includes unbelievable pics of this "woman"

Jersey Shore's Vinny Dating a Tranny?

Ok, so I find this hilarious.  The last episode of Jersey Shore the girl (Ramona) that kept standing up Vinny finally met with him and went to the beach for a little picnic.  The VERY first thing I said to my 21 year old was OMG that is such a dude right there I know it!!  He was like huh, I don't know.  It was sooooo clear and if you saw the episode you know exactly what I'm talking about.  When she removed her skirt and I saw her in her bikini, I was like it looks like a dude's body.  No boobies, no curves, and a really narrow bottom half.  I immediately began looking for the adam's apple.  How in the world could Vinny not see this?  Holy crap!  Her, or should I say "his" face looked manly too!  The Situation almost had an "oopsie" a few episodes back with a tranny at a club too, but fortunately for him he realized it and nipped it quick.  Poor Vinny, I have no idea if he has another date with this "Ramona" or not, we all shall see in the next few episodes I suppose.

Ironically just a few days ago my 21 year old was reading thisis50.com and found some info on it with a youtube video, of course the first words out of my mouth were I TOLD YA SO!!  Man I have an amazing Tran-Dar (Tranny radar).

See what you think.............

How to Get Kim Kardashian's Look Step by Step

As some of you may already know I write for Examiner.com as the Jackson Beauty Examiner and have close to 200 articles regarding beauty, including makeup tips, reviews and how to's.  I find that a large amount of women love Kim Kardashian's look and wonder how to achieve it.  So I am posting an article from my examiner post here for your information.  Enjoy!

Feb. 2010 (Jackson Beauty Examiner)

Ever wonder what kind of makeup the stars use?  Brand, colors, etc.?  How about taking it one step further and actually seeing them having their makeup done giving you step by step instructions?

I have always loved Kim Kardashian's foundation look and wondered what she used.  While on my quest, I stumbled onto the following videos on youtube.com that I just knew you would enjoy as well.

It seems she's a huge fan of MAC and also uses Makeup Forever with a dash of Lancome mascara's.  Below you will see four videos of her getting her makeup done by one of her Makeup Artist's, Stephen Moleski.  He starts with her foundation application and ends with her infamous smokey eye look!

Facebook......Seriously?

I must admit back in 2005 I did have a Myspace but that's when I was single and looking to mingle and only kept it through 2006 because I was a radio personality at a rock station here in Jackson for that year and it was for fan base purposes.

Right after I married my southern fried guy I got rid of it, I mean what was the point anymore, plus I got out of radio.  Half the time we all just ok'ed a friend request just so we'd look cool by having a ton of friends.  In my opinion, and opinions are like assholes, we all have one, Myspace was juvenile and either for teens or 20 somethings or up to mid 30's looking for a mate/date.

Either way, I was over it back then and certainly would be now.  Then enters Facebook.  It suddenly got cool within the last two years or so, originally for the older folks trying to reconnect with old high school friends, now it's the craze with tweens, teens and 20 somethings.  Honestly who really cares to reconnect with your old schoolmates?  I mean if they were so meaningful to any of us to begin with wouldn't we have kept in touch over the years ourselves via phone, letter or email?

Truth be told most on there are kind of like that geek to hot show that the Maury Povich show constantly is doing.  Like look at me now, I used to be fat, now I'm hot.  I used to be a geek, now I'm in a band yadda, yadda, yadda.

Now, don't get me wrong Facebook would be great, say if you had a business and it was part of your marketing strategy etc., otherwise, why?  Oh look I know her she was such a bitch, I'll add her anyways and look at him I saw him in the hall once I'll add him!  Really?

When it really comes down to it I think most people just want to see how their former classmates look now compared to themselves and see how fat everyone got.

Can You Kindly Remove Your Car From Up My Ass?

Yesterday I decided to take Hell boy fall/winter clothes shopping (oh the joy) and on my way my 21 year old said hey that girl behind you is like right up your ass.  I looked in the rear view mirror and sure as shit there she was riding my ass.  Maaaan I cannot stand people like this especially when your on a two lane, no passing road. The speed limit was 35 and because I rarely drive the speed limit myself I was going 45 mph.  Was the extra 10 not good enough for her?  To top it all off this chick looked like Freddy Kruger I kid you not it's hard to even describe her.  An unusual tan that obviously went wrong, tiny teeth, if any in her head at all and greasy, stringy hair.  I was scared I tell you, scared!  Perhaps Satan let a few demons out today on the road to piss me off I'm not sure but she was off the charts scary!

We kept driving and she appeared to be peaking to the side with her car as if to tease that she was going to pass , but of course because it's a no passing zone it's no wonder she didn't actually do it, hence the curves and the trees.  It's like 1pm bitch what's the hurry anyways? I was going over the speed limit myself what the hell?  I got so pissed that I tapped my brakes, just to piss her off (yes, I'm one of "those").  She backed off a bit then, but moments later was right back up my ass.  Finally we approached a light where I was turning left and she went straight, but not before she whipped her demon head at me and gave me a go to hell look (sorry I don't want to go there, it seems you've already been and look at you) like I was in the wrong and I just flipped her the bird and honked.  My 21 year old looked at me like what the hell?  Hell boy was sleeping so he didn't see mommy's "birdie", seems my little birdie keeps rearing his ugly head lately............

Moronic Parking Lot People

I love going to my local health food store, but unfortunately the parking there blows ass on a bean burrito diet.  At certain times of the day you can bet that you'll be going in circles for several minutes in search of somewhere to park.  I had four cars ahead of me circling the parking lot for like 10 minutes the other day, it was like we were vultures out there I tell you.  Oh no, could it be?  There in  the distance two guys walking to their cars, yessssss, almost there..... it was getting intense like musical chairs but with parking spaces, round and round we all went, waiting for that break.  When suddenly the lady ahead of me just stops dead and turns on her blinker as if to say hey bitch this one's mine as soon as he backs his ass outta here.  Well, there she sat and so did I as I couldn't pass her on the other side.  Another 2, then 3, then 5 minutes pass, the guy wasn't backing out, instead he decided to have a conversation with the other guy getting ready to leave right there in the parking lot.  Yup just chit chatting about God knows what.......their jock itch? The latest ho they bagged last night?  That odd mole just to the left of their scrotum?   Could they have been more rude?  Hellooooo??? Did they not see the parade of cars circling waiting on their dumb asses so we might be able to shop at some point in the next oh, I don't know century?

Apparently these morons didn't get the memo and kept talking and the woman ahead of me had enough and took off.  I luckily spotted another guy leaving (note to self:  Why are there so many dudes at the health food store?) and slid into his spot.  I parked and walked past these two chatty Kathy's who were STILL bullshitting outside of their cars, I couldn't help myself, I just had to say something.  Without a thought, as I strolled by, I flipped them off and said nice day we're having eh?

Oh the Confusion

I just ran out today to get my two youngest the blu-ray edition of Beauty and The Beast and as usual with any blu-ray I was forced, forced I tell you to have to get the three disc set. WTF?  Why do I have to pay 24.99 because they choose to put 3 and sometimes even 4 discs in these blu-ray selections? I mean who really watches the bonus materials disc anyways and if I wanted the regular DVD dont'cha think I would have bought that one to begin with and saved myself an extra 5 bucks or so??  

Then you have to stop for a minute and eyeball the discs once you open the case to ensure you're putting the right disc in the player.  Then when you put the disc in it asks you if you want the extended version, directors cut, commentary version, boring version, goofy version, crappy version, blah blah.............pleeeeeease, I just had to stare at 3 discs so close to my eyes to make sure I was choosing the blu-ray I about busted a blood vessel, do I really need to be bothered with what version of that disc I want to watch?  C'mon what ever happened to just opening up the case and haphazardly grabbing the ONLY disc in there and tossing it in the player and hitting PLAY.

If only I had these many choices with what I wanted my ass to look like today in my jeans I'd be set!!

Brown Rice Pie Crust Recipe

For those that have a wheat intolerance or just want to be healthy and eliminate gluten and wheat from their diets all together this is definitely a recipe you need in your arsenal of healthy delicious-ness.

Here's what you'll need:

1 Cup brown rice flour
3 Tablespoons organic coconut oil (unrefined and virgin)
4 Tablespoons cold water
1 Large egg beaten
1/4 tsp. baking powder
1/4 tsp. sea salt

Combine all dry ingredients then add coconut oil, beaten egg and water. Then grab your pie plate and plop the mixture in the center, I generally just pound the mixture flat into the pie plate and slowly edge it up onto the sides, making sure that it's evenly patted down.  It will have a different texture than a regular pie crust.  It will be stickier so don't even attempt to roll it out or anything.  Pop in the oven at 350 for about 25-30 minutes until golden brown.

Enjoy!

Easy and Healthy Quiche Recipe

Being the health nut that I am (emphasis on nut, lol) all the recipes that I use or make up myself never have wheat, milk, butter, cheese or refined white sugar in them.  So the following recipe I had to tweak in my own healthy way and it still comes out deeeeeelish!!  Scrumptiously, fantastically, amazingly yummy.

Here's what you'll need:

1.  4 eggs
2. 2 cups SoDelicious Coconut Milk (or other milk alternative, i.e. almond or rice milk)
3. Salt, pepper and nutmeg.
4. Random veggies you like (broccoli, kale, spinach, tomatoes, mushrooms etc.)
5.  9 inch pie crust (see my tweaked brown rice flour pie crust recipe)

Preheat oven to 425

Beat 4 large eggs in bowl, add coconut milk, salt, pepper and nutmeg.  I just kind of eyeball the amount of nutmeg as it will be based on your liking, however nutmeg in quiche is what makes it so f'ing delicious anyways so I usually add a shit load.

In the mean time wash your fresh veggies well and cut them all up (I used kale, broccoli and mushrooms in this quiche).  Place them inside your already cooked pie shell then pour your egg mixture over top of them.  Pop in the oven at 425 for 15 minutes then lower temp to 350 for another 25 minutes or until golden brown on top.  If you're a mucous and pus lover, feel free to add cheese to this recipe.

Call me an ass, I never took a pic of the final product, I took it out to cool and got side tracked with hell boy and giggle toots ya know the "yuge".

Enjoy!!!

The Tale of the Stinky Bathroom

Once upon a time I did some work for Christian Dior and was at a department store for an event and had to use the bathroom.  Of course it was a busy Saturday so there was a bit of a line to the bathroom.  I hate bathroom lines because you don't get a choice as to what stall you get to go in ya know what I'm sayin'?  Like I like to stroll down the line of stalls and peek in each one and have a look around, almost like you would when looking at a house to buy, I mean you want to make sure there's a.) enough room b.) clean c.) has all the amenities (this includes toilet paper and if you're lucky, a nice seat to sit your booty down on).  But, no, not when there's a line, hell no, you get whatever is next, the whole time you're in line you're hoping for the best, maybe even a little prayer ensues in your mind like:

"Dear God, it's me Dani, I know we haven't talked in like a week, but man I need your help right now, see I have to pee like real bad and I don't have a choice as to what stall I get. It's like one of those mystery gifts we used to give in elementary school during Christmas.  So if you could intercede here and make sure I get a real spiffy stall that'd be great!"  Aaaaaaaamen!!!

Well on this day I forget the almighty potty prayer and I was up next, I could feel sweat start to trickle down my forehead, oh no, here it comes I'm next, I heard the potty flush in the third stall down.  I closed my eyes I didn't want to see who walked out, what if she was nasty, what if she "looked" like she didn't wash down there........I didn't want to know.  So, after I closed my eyes for a second or two I smiled and walked to the stall, closed the door, when all of a sudden a whiff of something disgusting and almost memorable flew up my nose.  What the hell, I thought did a zoo just come through here?  Seriously, the stall smelled so disgusting I thought I may puke a alittle bit in my mouth.  It smelled just like a F'ing zoo, you know how a zoo smells.....yea like that!!!  What the hell was inside the last chicks panties that was just in here?  Hell, what was up her va-jay-jay ?  Two sweaty monkeys?  I hurried the best I could before I puked, flushed with my foot and ran out holding my breath.  Then I realized shit, the next person to go in here is gonna think I did the monkey thang.........maaaaaaan don't you hate that?  When you've exited an already stinky ass stall and the next person thinks you did it?  There's no escape I tell you no escape!!

So because I was going to be working in the store the remainder of the afternoon, I made a statement in the bathroom, if there was a podium in there, trust me, I would have used it.  I said oooooooh maan that stall stinks I don't know what happened in there but IT WAS NOT ME!!!  I'm serious it wasn't me!!

Don't let this happen to you, carry a secret weapon for when you encounter somebody else's own personal zoo, make sure you always carry a miniature bottle of febreze in your purse!!!  It could save a nose or some serious embarrassment that shouldn't be yours to deal with.

Can You Dye Your Pubic Hair?

Why yes, yes you can!  Question is do you want to?  Why yes, yes you should.  What better way to spruce up the ol' pubes than making them a crazy ass color.  Imagine the surprise when hubby comes home and later finds out that you're sporting purple or pink hair down there?  Just think of the look on his face especially if you don't tell him before he goes down there.  Hopefully he won't think you have some sort of funk going on though, that would suck.  Now all they need is like a scratch and sniff patch to put down there that would either be 1.) hilarious or 2.) much needed for chicks that don't smell so fressssssssssh.

Where to find some cool dye for your pubes:  Betty Beauty

Dani-isms on Fitness

Why do we have to exercise to look good, why can't they invent some sort of pill we can take to get a firmer ass?

Why when using the shake weight does it look like you're playing with a penis?

Why do they make a shake weight for men? (see above)

Why did I order a shake weight? hmmm

How come when you buy a stair stepper it always ends up being a clothes rack?  (an expensive clothes rack)

What's up with these shape up shoes, they're uglier than F....wear these and nobody's looking at your fat ass anymore they're looking at how ugly your damn shoes are.

Has anyone ever farted in yoga class?

How come I can never clear my mind doing yoga, I've always got weird stuff on the brain, like:  did I lock my car door?  What am I going to make for dinner?  Does my ass look big in this pose?  The chick next to be smells like dirty feet.  Why does the teacher keep looking at me weird?  This mat smells funny..........

Will they ever make a bicycle seat that doesn't ride up my va-jay-jay?

I hate it when I jog how stuff jiggles, it just reminds me of more body parts I need to firm up.

"See random Dani-isms at the bottom of this page"

Super Hero Nugget

Hell boy pretending to be some weird Mr. Fix It super hero, although I think he looks more like Tweety Bird on crack

Super villian or super cold............ummm where'd his mouth go?

Super rock star that doesn't seem to know where his ears are....................

You probably notice that in all these pics Hell boy is half "neked", the boy never wears clothes at home, he HATES clothes.  He'll only wear them without a problem if we go somewhere and then occasionally will try to take his shirt off in public.  My 16 year old girl was like that too, except she liked being completely naked.  This must run in the ol' genes because my mother told me when I was like 2 or 3 I stripped down to nothing and ran down the street.  Good times, gooooooood times.

Numbers You Need To Know When Grocery Shopping

I recently read an interesting article about how to know if you're buying fresh fruits and vegetables that were grown either organic, conventionally (with pesticides) or genetically manufactured (these are bad, stay away from these).  You just need to look on the stickers they put on the fruit or vegetable:

 5-digit number starting with 9 means organically grown
 4-digit number starting with 3 or 4 means conventionally grown
 5-digit number starting with 8 means genetically modified

I thought this was very interesting and have definitely started using this information when shopping for fresh produce!!

GMO products are bad and could be lethal to people who have food allergies, because the food you are buying could have genes that have been spliced from the food you're allergic to or worse yet, some other "unknown" species. 

I Once...........

I once:

Called Mickey D's super late at night and left a message on their answering machine that went like this:  Yea, can I speak to Ron?  Ya know Ronald McDonald, the guy with the big red floppy shoes?  Umm and if he's not in I'd like to talk to the big fat purple dude and tell him how great the burgers are or maybe hamburgler, my number is ....ok thanks bye!  Sadly Ron never called me back, I never ate at Mickey D's again, the bastard!!

Called Wendy's and asked some questions about cheese, the kid that answered the phone couldn't have been more than 16.  I asked that if I got a triple burger would it include three pieces of cheese or only two and what the difference was between cheddar and swiss cheese.  I continued to explain that I was lactose intolerant and that my boyfriend hates it because when I eat cheese I fart a lot and then I asked him if he would date a girl that farted a lot, and he said without missing a beat, sure, yea I would.......

Caught one of my best friends outside my boyfriends house back in high school at like midnight, it was clear he was banging her behind my back.  So me and another friend did some late night grocery shopping and grabbed some eggs and toilet paper, then stopped by Burger King and grabbed a shit load of ketchup packets and totally F'ed up her car with it all.  Funny thing though, we did it drive by style in my car several times without getting out and the last drive by my friend almost fell completely out of the window when I gunned it and accidently grabbed onto the antenna of the skanky ho's car and broke it clean off!!  Even funnier, the bitch called me the next day and told me all about her car getting f'ed up, it was hard to not laugh.

Stole a shit load of hall passes from my teachers desk and then charged 25 cents per pass for fellow students to use them to wander the halls without getting in trouble.

Used to write doctors excuses and it's okay to ride so and so's bus notes  that were supposed to be written by parents for my friends, I had the coolest handwriting in the 6th grade.

On many occasions, actually would borrow money everyday from this big fat kid for lunch.  I'd get a burrito from the ala carte line.  If I added up the whole year I think I would have owed him like $80, shit I hope I never run into him ever again, if he added interest all these years the dude would be a millionaire, however with a name like "BJ" he wasn't goin' far anyways.

Weird Stuff to Help You Look Gorgeous

What does Scotch tape, a sewing needle, a micro-fiber cloth, business card and a toothpick have in common?  Why they can help you look gorgeous duuuuh!!  There's stuff lying around your house right now that you can use in your beauty routine, one you'll even find in your husband's man cave!

Scotch tape:  Like that winged eyeshadow look but can't seem to get it to look right?  Just take a piece of Scotch tape and stick it near your eye slanted upwards from the outside corner.  Then apply your eyeshadow like a kindergartner if you want and after you remove the tape you'll have a perfect, clean, winged eyeshadow application!  Just remember to remove the tape before you leave the house you don't want to look like a weirdo!!!

Sewing needle:  Your eyelashes stuck together?  This sucks especially once the mascara has already dried, however if you take a sewing needle and slide the tip in between the two lashes that are stuck it will nicely separate them with ease.  Just don't do this drunk, because you may end up poking your eye out instead!  Something tells me though, if you're drunk, you probably wouldn't notice they're stuck together in the first place and your priority would be to ensure you have clothes on when you left the house not separated lashes..........moving on.

Micro-fiber cloth:  You can kill two birds with one stone on this one, get great looking skin while pissing off your husband at the same time!  That's right that micro-fiber cloth he uses for his car works wonders on your face!  Of course a clean, never been used cloth is what we're aiming for here.  My husband usually buys his in packs.  The micro-fiber cloth is great at pulling the dirt and grime out of your pores and exfoliating your skin at the same time, leaving it baby soft.  Awesome addition to your normal skin care routine and el cheapo!!!

Business card:  You can use this to help you get a clean line with your eyeliner when trying to achieve a winged look, it can also double for applying winged eyeshadow (in case your not into the whole tape "thang").  As posted in an earlier blog, it can help with mistake proof mascara applications by placing it behind your upper and lower lashes when you're applying it.

Toothpick:  If you like to sport false lashes, and who doesn't sometimes?  It's always fun to hooker it up for a night even if you're just hanging at the house, especially if you want some get'um get'um.  Just put eyelash glue on the toothpick and in a rolling motion, apply it onto the eyelash band.  Simple, quick and clean.

Easy Coconut Milk Whipped Cream Recipe

For those that can't eat dairy or really don't like the sound of the bacteria, pus, blood and mucous found in milk (true story look it up) but still want a delicious whipped cream recipe here it is baby!!!

2 Cans Thai Kitchen Coconut Milk (don't buy low fat, get full fat)
1 1/2 C. Powdered Sugar (organic if you can)

Chill your coconut milk cans in the fridge for 2 days upside down.  Keeping the cans upside down pierce the bottom with two holes using a juice can opener, drain the coconut water into a bowl and save to drink or use in other recipes.

Pour the milk into another bowl and beat on medium for a few minutes then add your powdered sugar and beat on medium for another 2 minutes or so or until mixed well.  You can add vanilla extract if you'd like.  Add enough to your taste.

Serve immediately or you can store in fridge for up to 3 days.  This makes a butt load so feel free to freeze the unused portion.  Delicious in fruit salad!!!

It's a Fat, Lazy Day

Maaaaaan I don't wanna do shit today, I feel lazy as hell.  I hate these kind of days because that's when hell boy wants a three course breakfast, the dishes in the dishwasher need to be put away, a pile of laundry is staring me in the face and I really need to get around to shaving my legs.

To make matters worse, I have nadda to watch on TV tonight. America's Got Talent is over now :( so there's nothing to look forward to on Tuesdays and Wednesdays now and it appears the fall television lineup is the "yuge"  cop shows wtf?  If you've seen one cop show, you've seen seen them all it's a snooze fest I tell you!!

Oh well, I've got some yummy fruit salad in the fridge to look forward to, I think I'll get on that later.

Friends Chop Phooey

Don't get me wrong, I like to chill with friends (the few I have) sometimes, but since having my last two babies I've become somewhat of a home body and enjoy hanging with just my husband and kids. I'm so used to not hanging with friends that when we do, I get annoyed. Here's a good analogy:

When it comes to hanging with other couples I'm like a cat, ya know how a cat is when they want to be loved on they will jump up on your lap but when they're done, they're done....they jump off and want to be left alone.

Like we can invite a couple to go boating with us and tube and ski, for like, oh I don't know 4-5 hours or so, but after that, I'm done, go home, take your kids, your cooler and go home. Again, the cat analogy, when I'm done, I'm done. Have I become such a loner/home body that the general public just F'in get on my nerves or have I become so brain dead from hangin' with a 2 year old and 6 month old 24/7, that anything, or anyone, older confuses my brain that has now become oatmeal?

Who the hell knows, like Mike Myers said as the cat in the Cat in the Hat movie, "ride alone, die alone." Hmmm another cat reference, coincidence? Dunno, maybe.........over and out.

Chocolate Pie For Breakfast

I make this really delicious chocolate pie but because I'm healthy at whatever I cook (no transfat, no refined sugar all organic)my southern fried guy won't eat it. So every time I make it I usually devour it within two days all by myself. So, like I'll have a few pieces the day I make it and then pretty much eat the rest for breakfast the next day. This morning however, hell boy was just staring up at me as I dove into it, chocolate dripping down my chin using my tongue to scoop it back up (ewww did that sound pornographic?) anyhow, I couldn't just eat this in front of him I felt bad. Then he said mommy bite, bite? So I said screw it, it's easier than making pancakes and gave him some (hey it's not your kid so keep your comments to yourself).

Yup, so there we were this morning with the sunlight beaming in the window upon us sharing a chocolate pie for breakfast, it's moments like these kids will remember for a lifetime....and unfortunately will also remember the next morning and every morning thereafter when it's breakfast time demanding chocolate pie, shit, maybe I should have made the pancakes!

How To Apply Mistake Proof Mascara

If you're anything like the typical woman, you probably almost always have to use a Q-Tip dipped in spit (yours of course, unless you're into weird stuff)to remove the dots and globs left on your eyelid or under your eye while applying. Especially if you have a 2 year old jumping on you while applying it......it's all fun and games until somebody loses an eye!!

Here's how to apply without the mishaps:

Just take a matchbook cover or business card and place it behind your lashes leaning it back toward your lid and apply away like a mad man errr, woman. All your oopsies will end up on the matchbook cover or business card. To apply mascara to your lower lashes, place the card underneath your lashes up against the lower lid.

Viola! No fuss, no mess.........now if we could just do something about the 2 year old jumping on you!

My Fortress of Solitude....

Ok, so I'm 40 with a 2 yr. old and a 6 month old so Lord knows I need a break, actually a DAILY break (I think a 1 year break would be pushing it not to mention land me in jail). My southern fried guy gets his little breaks all through the day and night by sneaking outside for 15-30 minutes at a time for a smoke break, must be nice!! So all I ask for is the time it takes to shower and get my makeup on in peace and quiet which may equate to an hour depending if I have to wash and dry my hair.

I treasure this time and have officially designated my closet as my Fortress of Solitude. It's a large walk-in closet for those of you who think I sit in a square for an hour. I have a mirror and a shoe box full of my cosmetics in there to chill while getting ready (of course my big day outings usually involve just going to Wal-mart, but hey, why not look good doing it?).

However, today my fortress was tainted with the likes of a drooling baby chewing on my makeup brushes and a two year old jumping on my back while I was trying to apply my eyeliner. Why? Because my husband decided he needed to shave. What the F? So when we returned home from our outing which was nothing but crying babies and me crawling from the front seat into the back all day long to hush the baby and to fetch the toys hell boy kept throwing, I decided to make my way to the kitchen and poor a nice cold glass of wine. Of course who has time to sit and enjoy wine with the nuggets driving me insane?? So, I chugged it, smiled and said I love me some cheap ass wine! Then........ it was off to change a shitty diaper.

Why Is It? More Dani-isms

Why is it that.........

When you plan a hot sex night with your husband you end up eating waaay too much for dinner and end up too bloated to fit in that sexy teddy?

You haven't had to fart all day until he goes down ........"there".

We've all become addicted to reality shows.....have our lives become that boring or are their lives that exciting?

Nobody told you you had spinach in your teeth before talking to that cute guy at Payless Shoes?

Why is that cute guy even in Payless Shoes?

Why are you in Payless Shoes?

English accents are so f'ing cool?

People from England usually have f'ed up teeth?

An hour after eating Chinese food you're starving again?

You're bothering to read this shit..........ha I kid, I kid.........but no, really why?

How To Instantly Brighten Your Eyes

Have a bad night last night and need your eyes to appear brighter? Just use beige or peach colored eye pencil on your water line (the inside lower rim)stay away from using a white pencil as that will look really "harsh". I love using Maybelline's Cool Effects Eye Pencil in Peach Daiquiri (#26). It makes the whites of my eyes look whiter and brighter and hence will fake an awake look if you're still hung over from last night. (or, in my case, up and down with an infant all night which, I guess, could equate to a boobie hangover.....the joys of breastfeeding!)

Moving on and were walking, were walking............

Another way to make your eyes "pop".......use a shimmery white or peach colored eyeshadow outside the inner most corner of your eyes. You can also use the same eye pencil (above) if you'd like, however a shimmery shadow really looks great. Feel free to use both of these looks in conjunction with each other for "soopa doopa" brighter eyes!!! I love Makeup Forever Star Powders myself but any shimmer shadow will work great!]

Have fun!

Why in the hell?

I must admit the only reason why I tuned into tonight's VMA's is because Chelsea Handler was hosting and of course if any wild n' crazy moments happened I wanted to experience them first hand live as it all unraveled. But to my dismay nothing went down that was wild, much less crazy. Even sadder, is Chelsea wasn't as funny as I thought she would be. The VMA's lasted what, just over two hours? Well that's two hours of my life I'll never get back. Zzzzzzzzz what a snooze fest.

What struck me as even odder was the fact it took MTV over two hours to award six people moon men WTF? There was more performing and banter going on than anything (did ya dig Kanye's toast to the douche bags, assholes and jerk offs song?). It's like six awards people??? Come on that could have been over and done with in like 5 minutes ya know?

However I do have to say that Cher looked phenomenal!! I don't give a shit if she's had 12 plastic surgeries done or not she's fabilicious! Her body was equally incredible. Maaaaaan I want to know who her plastic surgeon is because if you didn't already know that she was older than dirt you'd never know she's even had anything done!! I hope I look that good when I'm 64, my gaaaawd she looked like she could've been 30 something!! You go girl......errrr grandma!!!

My Dirty Little Secret

Alright, alright so I'm admitting to the world that I watch Jersey Shore and if I were to miss an episode I may just have a conniption. Not really sure what a conniption is, although Bill Cosby once described it as when your face slides off your skull, so I'm just gonna go ahead and go with that.

Okay, so I'm not sure what's more pathetic the fact that I'm 40 and watch this shit or the fact that I enjoy watching stupid drunk people bang random chicks/dudes. Either way it's F'in hilarious and I thought the chick fight between Sammi and Jenn was grrreat last night!! I was yelling go Jenn go Jenn because Sammi's a dumb bitch for reasons we all know, so she deserved to get smacked up. I thought it was an equal fight, however Sammi continues throughout the episode thinking she's billy bad ass saying she whooped Jenn's ass. What-Evaaaaaaaa hooker!! If I could of reached inside the television to smack her myself I would have along with her muscle head shit for brains boyfriend.

OMG!! How can an episode of Jersey Shore get me so pissed?? Who knows, but every episode is full of entertainment! I'm Dani Page and Jersey Shore was my idea.........although I'm still waiting to get paid.

Yummy Healthy Pancake Recipe!

This is a great recipe for those that don't eat wheat or white flour and at the same time help lower their cholesterol levels. **This recipe is not gluten free however

Put the following ingredients into a blender:

2 Cups Quick Oats (dry)
1 to 2 Bananas
1 Egg
2 Cups Almond or SoDelicious Coconut Milk (you can add more or less for thicker or thinner pancakes, don't go too thin or you'll get too gooey of pancakes)

Blend well. Put some olive oil in a pan on medium heat, cook on one side until firm enough to flip without making a sloppy mess.

Serve with 100% Pure Maple Syrup, Organic Agave Nectar or Coconut Nectar. You can also sprinkle some walnuts on top............ delicious!

You can also add blueberries, organic unsweetened coconut flakes or even organic raw cacoa for chocolate pancakes. Hell boy loves these and so will you!!

I Love the Crap Out of This Stuff

We've all tried Retin A, well at least most of us 30-40 somethings and found it to work great, or at least I did, however some will argue that it is harsh on the skin. For those that find Retin A annoying and bothersome not to mention a bit heavy on the ol' pocket book this is another product you can use that will give virtually the same results AND at a very affordable price. Alpha Hydrox products! They contain glycolic acid in amounts from 10-14% and are AMAZING with fading discoloration and fine lines and wrinkles.

You may remember Alpha Hydrox products back in the late 90's, I remember them at Wal-mart. I never did use them because back then I couldn't fathom spending more than 5 bucks for skin care. I was in my late 20's so what did I know??? This brand quickly disappeared and didn't resurface (at least to me) until like a month ago at my local Ulta Beauty. I thought holy shit I haven't seen those products in like forever! I went home and did some googling and found the official site that sells Alpha Hydrox products, I was surprised of all the other products they had in their line including body care too. I read a ton of reviews from actual users and thought what the hell, I may as well try it out. So I went back to Ulta and purchased the 10% Glycolic Oil Free Treatment and their Eye/Lip Treatment. I love the crap out of this stuff. After just a few weeks I have noticed a tremendous difference in my hyperpigmentation (caused from hormones during pregnancy) and unbelievably soft skin. Although the soft skin was immediate. I never even got these results from Retin A!

I later ordered some of the body care products which are f'in awesome too! I use the the body cleanser, silk wrap body lotion and also ordered the hand cream and foot cream as well. The silk wrap body lotion has a slight scent that some people regard as awful, however those people made comments that they purchased theirs at dollar discount stores and probably went bad. Mine smells a bit like what self tanner would smell like, however a much lighter version. These products help with Pilaris Keratosis, which are those annoying little bumps some people have on their arms or legs.

I am soooooo glad that I decided to try this line and probably won't bother switching to another anytime soon.

To visit Alpa Hydrox's website click on the pic on the right side of my page! They are constantly having GREAT sales where you can get their products for 50% off so you'll need to check back often. PLUS if you order by clicking on the banner you will receive 10% off your first order and 5% off EVERY additional order thereafter! Just enter the code NC-US-212 at checkout to get your discount!!!

Nissan's Kidzilla Commercial.......This is Soooo My Two Year Old!

Those Little Nuggets Can Be So Much Fun

This is Hell Boy..........

This is Hell Boy after a six pack**...........


**The nugget was not harmed in either of these pictures (well except for consuming the trans fats looming about in those chicken tenders up there) otherwise no alcoholic beverages were bestowed upon the little nugget.

What the F?

How in the hell is it that this guy doesn't scare the Ba-Geezus out of small children?  Was the person that developed Yo-Gabba-Gabba high?  I mean have you tried to watch this show?  Ok, if you have and it freaks the crap out of you, imagine what would happen if you were watching it completely baked?

Can somebeody please tell me what happened to this banana I was gong to put in my green drink this morning?  I mean it looks like somebody had mistaken it for a cigarette and tried to light the end of it WTF?

Okay so I've been entering the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes forever!  However, over the years they've gotten pretty damn sneaky at trying to coerce you into buying things without you realizing it.  Case in point, look at the picture.... this what my counter looked like after I was forced, I tell you forced to go through the buy this cheap great shit now booklets, only to try and find the "stamp" to place on my "official" entry form.  Yea they literally hide the stamp you need amongst the other stamps to order crap.  Pretty sneaky huh?  It's like playing a Where's Waldo game but the adult gambling version.   I had to go through like four of those damn brochure thingies before I finally found the special stamp I needed.  Only to have to tear it out from the perforation and lick the back of it, which tasted like ass by the way**, and then place it over the box template on the entry form I needed to send back.

You would think by now they would come up with a more updated way to "enter" instead of searching, licking and sticking I mean that was so 80's.  Why do I waste postage stamps on this crap?  Why do I bother to enter, knowing I won't win?  Why do the commercials where they walk up to the winners front door and let them know they've won and hand them a giant ass check bring a tear to my eye EVERY TIME? I mean I know what's coming next, hell it's no surprise!  Why are those checks so damn big, I mean what bank would deposit such a monstrosity?  The Bank of Goliath?  Why are the winners always, always older than dirt?  Is it that they purposely choose old people knowing they're going to die soon and won't ever have to pay them the full amount?  Why is it I just can't seem to throw one of these sweepstakes entries in the trash?  Is it because I'll always wonder ........what if? Perhaps, but then again,  with all the time combined over the last few years I've spent looking for that special stamp amidst oodles of shit products I could have baked a cake, spent more time with my kids.......hmmm probably not.

**I don't actually know what ass tastes like, I can only imagine and either way, it can't possibly be good.

Get Kim Kardashian's Glowing Cheek Look

No I'm talking about her ass, I mean how would I know if her butt glows or not?  Although with all the money she makes she probably hires someone to buff and shine it daily.  Moving on.............

If you've seen Kim Kardashian then you know what I'm talking about, her cheekbones are defined and her cheeks glow.  Well here's how you can get the look!

Here's what you'll need:

A darker blush (preferably a darker taupe or brown)
A decent blush brush ( I like to use squirrel hair brushes when it comes to my powder and blush brushes)
MAC Mineralize Skinfinish in Soft and Gentle
Maybelline Dream Mousse Blush in Peach Satin

After applying your foundation apply your face powder all over to set except on the apples of your cheeks.  The reason for this is because the Dream Mousse Blush is a cream and if you rub anything creamy over top a powder you get pancake batter!

Next you will take your blush brush and swirl it over top your darker blush, then tap the excess off.  Apply this darker shade in the hollow of your cheek but just under the highest portion of your cheekbone, if you go too low you'll look like you just stepped out of the 80's.  Next take the Dream Mousse Blush in Peach Satin and dab your finger lightly in a circular motion picking up just enough product and apply to the apples of your cheeks also in a light circular motion, being careful not to get the blush too close to the side of the nose, get it in this area and you may as well join the circus cuz honey you'll look like a clown.  Just try to keep it higher up on the apple of the cheek.  Lastly, you'll take your blush brush (after running it over a tissue several times to remove the darker color) and swirl it over top the Skinfinish in Soft and Gentle, tap off excess and apply it in the form of a "C" starting from your temple and curving it around on top of your cheekbone, being sure to blend.  You can apply a second coat if you feel you need an extra glow.

Viola!  Beautiful, defined, glowing cheeks!

Lawnmowers MUST DIE

Alright so I didn't get to bed until 2:30 this morning, because the 2 year old took a power nap from 7p-9p and wouldn't remotely go to bed until 2am.  Of course the 5 month old had to follow suit, although every time giggle toots tries to go to sleep (I call the 5 month old that because all he does is laugh and fart) the 2 year old screams in his face or is louder than hell and wakes him anyways.  So finally everyone's in bed, including myself by 2:30am.

Then I'm awoken by a horrendous noise as if an airplane was landing on my house, what the F??? The damn neighbor's yard crew is out there mowing and weed whacking at friggin' 8am. Which of course woke up giggle toots. I wanted to jump out of bed in my mismatched bedroom attire and go kick somebody's ass!!  Is there no respect for mother's who get no sleep because they are up with a baby during the night? Can the dude next door not mow his own damn yard?  Why the F are lawnmower's so loud, I mean dishwashers are "quiet" now why can't they make "quiet" lawnmowers?  The asshole was so close to my bedroom window, I probably could have opened it, leaned out and choked him out.  Finally when they made it to the other side of the dude's yard, no doubt now pissing off the other neighbor I was able to get myself and giggle toots to half way go to sleep when.............dunt dunt duuuuuuuuuh who I do I hear coming down the stairs yelling "ding" "ding" the two year old, aka "hell boy" he's a hot mess let me tell you.

Of course Ding means Superman (what you didn't know that?) he says batman, ironman etc. but refuses to say superman, how he came up with Ding who knows.  So I get him comfortable watching Wonder Pets (this has to be the gayest show ever) he loves it.  Then I take a visit to the downstairs tinkle room where I end up sitting in the 21 year olds pee, apparently he was too lazy to lift the seat the last time he took a piss and got some on the seat only to greet my happy ass this morning.  Oddly, the 16 year old girl always dribbles on the toilet seat too, is this some sort of genetic mutation that runs in my family?  Are my kids trying to piss me off?  Why is the 21 year old boy still in my house?

So here I am on Friday morning with dark circles under my eyes, piss on my left ass cheek and a 2 year old screaming pancakes! pancakes!  It's going to be a wonderful day....................

Green Drinks Are Good For You and Sugar Makes You Fart

No that's not a typo up there, sugar makes you fart, toot, cut the cheese.  Whenever you consume sugar you're feeding the bacteria in your gut and then they shit that out inside of you (great visual eh?) then it comes out of you by means of a fart....yummy.  However, if you start eating healthy and cut down on sugar as well as white pasta, white bread, wheat, dairy, processed foods, sodium nitrates (deli meats and cured meat) your body will be healthy, you're skin will look great and your friends and husband will thank you for no longer polluting their environment.  For more on how sugar can age you read this.

If you have a hard time incorporating greens into your diet by eating them, you can drink them and make it tons easier.  I drink a green drink at least twice a day and have energy and glowing skin.  I of course incorporate these green drinks with a healthy lifestyle like a clean, healthy diet and exercise.  Here a few of my favorites:

Green Banana Berry Blast:

In a blender (preferably a NINJA or a Vitamix) Put in the following ingredients:

5-6 Kale leaves
A handful of spinach leaves
1-2 Large bananas
1-1 1/2 Cup of frozen or fresh blueberries
1 Tablespoon of powdered Flax Seed (fresh seeds ground up in coffee grinder)
Add 2 Cups filtered water
2 TBS of Coconut Nectar or Organic Clear Agave Nectar

Makes about 16oz.  Drink immediately.

Apple Banana Green Drink:

5 to 6 Kale leaves or a few handfuls of fresh spinach leaves
1 Whole apple (green or red) chopped and cored with skin
1-2 Large bananas
5-6 Baby carrots chopped (optional)
1 TBS of Flaxseed powder
2 Cups Filtered water.
2 TBS of Coconut Nectar or Organic Clear Agave Nectar

Makes about 16oz. Drink immediately

The Kale and the Spinach have amazing antioxidant properties and will fight off free radicals that are responsible for the break down of collagen (aside from naturally aging) and fine lines.

If you need even more of a pick me up add some Goji berries into your green drink or just pop a few handfuls for even more nutrients.  For more info about Goji berries read this.

So here's to younger looking skin, more energy and no more skid marks in your panties ladies!  Bottoms up!

For More STUFF........

Just in case you want to read up on even more beauty buzz come on over to see me on the Examiner as the Jackson Beauty Examiner.  I have stashed here close to 200 articles on makeup, beauty, natural beauty, tips, DIY facials and other crap.  Jackson Beauty Examiner

Tomorrow .......Drink you're way pretty with my favorite green drink recipes!  Yum!

Introductions? Well they just .... Suck

Why is it when one introduces themselves it's so awkward?  Hi, my name is blah, I like blah and oh I have this great blah.  Yadda, yadda, yadda.  Putting all that useless crap aside, I'd like to say that I hope you will find my blogs useful, if for anything to make you laugh, even if it's a small chuckle.

I'll be dishing on makeup tips, tricks, reviews as well as just random thoughts I like to call "dani-isms" so this blog will be a hodge podge of both useful and useless things but always with a side order of humor!  I write this now holding my 5 month old whilst he drools down my arm, (I never realized just how hard it is to type with one hand, this sucks).  Of course while this is going on my 2 year old keeps randomly walking up to me demanding snacks, which of course I get for him only to say he doesn't want them anymore, geez then I wonder where all my time goes.  At least all this fetching may get my ass back up there where it used to be when I was 20 something.  I've always said I want an ass so perky I could set a beer on it.  Of course these days, it's green drinks and water.

Yes, I am a health food nut married to a southern fried guy so ultimately I have to make two dinners one for him and one for me.  My grocery bill is retarded I'm telling you, I spend $250 at Wal-Fart and then another $100 at the health food store.   Eating right does help with your skin and keeps you younger looking.  In later blogs I'll share with you some amazing things you can do and eat to keep you looking your best!

I welcome any all questions regarding makeup, beauty, natural health or anything you want to ask.

Well, I'm off as it seems my 2 year old is imitating Disney's "Kick Buttowski" and attempting a dare devil act............diving off the back of the couch, the joys of parenthood.